Rob Lowe, Opinion contributor Published 7:00 a.m. ET Jan. 13, 2019 | Updated 6:01 a.m. ET Jan. 14, 2019
Forty million Americans work as an unpaid
family caregiver. The mental, physical and emotional stress they face is
overwhelming. It's time to help.
Right now, 40 million Americans are doing
truly selfless work by serving as unpaid family caregivers for a loved one.
About 25 percent of those caregivers are millennials, who often feel
forced to choose between their careers and caring for their aging parents and
grandparents.
I can relate. When I was in my thirties, my
brothers and I cared for our mother throughout her stage 4 breast cancer
diagnosis. It’s not a role I was expecting to land, it didn’t come with
much preparation, but it turned out to be one of the most rewarding things
I’ve ever done — and, undeniably, one of the most difficult.
Caregiving for a loved one is a role that
millions more Americans will take on in the coming decades — especially with so
many baby boomers saying they want to age in place instead of entering
retirement homes or care facilities. There are many upsides to being cared for
by devoted and well-trained family caregivers, including a reduction in
hospital readmissions and a chance for families to bond during a difficult
time. But the caregivers themselves often end up paying a high cost, both
physically and financially, which is rarely discussed.
The mental, physical and emotional stress
of caregiving (which often goes unreported and untreated until it’s too late)
has created a vast looming problem for our health care system, yet few caregivers
feel comfortable discussing these challenges.
So I’ll go first.
When my brothers and I stepped up to serve as
my mother’s caregivers, we did everything we could to support her, from
hospitals to hospice care. This often meant trying to figure out and manage her
medical paperwork, medication schedules and in-house help, and continually
redefining an ever-changing “new normal” for all of us. I often felt
overwhelmed, and that was even with all the support I had from my brothers and
colleagues.
Caregivers must embrace self-care
Many caregivers aren’t as lucky as I was.
A recent study by the National Alliance for
Caregiving found that a third of caregivers in America do it alone,
without any paid or unpaid help — and this uphill battle can lead to a
domino effect of health and financial problems for the caregivers themselves.
When you’re caring for a loved one, there’s
nothing you won’t do (or sacrifice) to give them as much comfort and peace of
mind as you can possibly provide. Often, that means you’ll skip your social
obligations, wreck your diet, suffer sleep deprivation, and even risk your
career, all to help a loved one through the most difficult time of their life.
Over time, the stress of caregiving can lead
to long-term health problems. A 2017 survey by Embracing Carers found that
roughly half of unpaid U.S. caregivers sufferfrom
feelings of depression (49 percent), sleep trouble (57 percent), weight
fluctuation (46 percent) and other health complications — and that’s
before stress related to money even enters the discussion.
MetLife recently found that caregivers are
sacrificing almost $3 trillion a year in lost wages,
pensions and Social Security benefits. That number doesn’t include
the $7,000 on average that every caregiver
personally spends each year to provide services for their loved one. And while
some states and companies have improved their family leave policies, many caregivers
still must use their own personal, vacation and sick time to care for
their loved ones. This means if the caregiver gets sick, he or she will just
have to power through ... until they simply can’t.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
Caregiving won't last forever — make
it worth it
I had the opportunity to collaborate with EMD Serono and Embracing
Carers, who are dedicated to increasing awareness of the challenges that family
caregivers face and helping to advocate on their behalf. What I’ve learned
along the way is that many caregivers don’t feel supported, they don’t know
where to turn for help, and they often suffer stress-related health problems of
their own, yet the last thing on their minds is their own well-being. The irony
is that to effectively care for someone else, we caregivers must first remember
to take care of ourselves.
From my own experience, I can assure you: The
person you’re caring for needs you to be at your best. If you don’t take care
of yourself, you won’t have the energy or the means to provide the reliable
care that your loved ones need. But what can you do for yourself, especially if
you feel like you don’t have enough time as it is for your job, your
family and your caregiving duties?
Ask for help.
My brothers and I had each other,
but many caregivers — like my stepmother — have no direct help to rely on.
Luckily, the internet is filled with support groups, forums and other
resources where caregivers help each other by sharing advice and providing a
shoulder to cry on when the going gets tough.
Likewise, talk about the challenges of
caregiving with your family, friends and co-workers. The more aware we are
of the realities of caregiving, the more actions we can take to improve the
experience for everyone. Plus, the people in your life might want to help
you in your act of caregiving, but they might not know how to bring it up.
By starting the conversation, you give them an opportunity to ask their own
questions and find their own way to lend a hand.
Finally, just be present. I know that
caregiving can feel like an overwhelming array of details and responsibilities,
prescriptions and pill charts, nonstop schedules and sleepless nights,
which could make each day feel as if you’re scaling a mountain
of stress. But time passes, and life does go on. When your caregiving
experience ends, you’ll want to look back and see that you did the most
important thing: simply helping someone you love know that they weren’t alone.
Rob Lowe has been nominated for two Emmys, six
Golden Globes, and four Screen Actors Guild awards in which he won two. Follow
him on Twitter @RobLowe
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