Just how much have the
etiquette rules changed?
We all have the aunt
who just might be the world’s most diligent card sender: She mails you a card
on your birthday; a card for Christmas, Easter, and Halloween; and some years,
even a card on Valentine’s Day (along with candy).
And of course, if you
send her a thank-you card … Well, you can bet you’re getting a thank-you card
for your thank-you card.
But most people
aren’t as reliable as your aunt, especially with changing cultural norms about
how to send a message in the digital age.
The thank-you card is
facing serious competition from the text message and social media post, and
nobody is sure what’s what anymore.
Considerable reached
out to technology etiquette experts to try to get a handle on what requires a
card, when a text is appropriate, and why you should just ask yourself a simple
question if you’re not sure.
“What must be considered is your
connection to the person.”
That’s Jodi Smith,
president and owner of Mannersmith
Etiquette Consulting. She specializes in personal and professional
conduct.
Smith believes the
nature of the relationship should dictate the terms of the
correspondence.
“It is one thing to wish your college
roommate’s spouse happy birthday on social media. It is another to only wish
your adult child happy birthday on social media.
“Your adult child
should receive a call, a card, and maybe even a gift from you.”
For younger
generations, getting a flattering post on Facebook or Instagram may be more
personally satisfying than it is for a Gen Xer or boomer. While the online
thank you or well-wish is certainly easier, it doesn’t prohibit going the extra
mile.
“Do keep in mind that
doing one does not preclude you doing another,” Smith said. “You may send your
grandchild a birthday gift and post well-wishes on their
social media platforms, too.”
The same thing goes
for sad occasions.
“Sending a condolence
card with your thoughts and prayers can be done in addition to posting on the
funeral parlor’s website.”
“The
bottom line is that if you think ‘Maybe I should send a card,’ chances are, you
should.” –Jodi Smith
But we can’t pretend
the basic nature of communication hasn’t drastically shifted with the rise of
dominant social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram.
Nobody is expected to
send a card to everyone for every birthday; in fact for many folks, the highlight of
a birthday or personal milestone or event is the online reaction and feedback.
On the job
And it’s not just in
the realm of the personal. Professional etiquette is in flux as well.
Lindsey Marx, a
content strategist at BestCompany.com,
has some recommendations for professional etiquette as well, which can be a
murky field to navigate properly.
“I
would never send a text unless the employer texts you.” –Lindsey Marx
Marx is a big
believer in following up a job interview with an email or hand-written
note.
“When it comes to
jobs and applications, an email lets them know you are connected and thinking
in advance, while a hand-written note lets them know you are extra thoughtful
and going the extra mile.”
As for texting, tread
carefully.
According to Marx, “I
would never send a text unless the employer texts you. It is
never too much to send an email and a hand-written note.”
With all that in
mind, here is a basic guide to follow for situations that call for written
communication.
Birthdays
The text or post does
just fine, but if a spouse, child, or parent is involved, just go ahead and
send a card as well. On Facebook, it’s also a nice gesture if you send a
personal message instead of (or along with) posting on the person’s wall.
Wedding, anniversary,
graduation, birth of a child
Again, if your
relationship with the person or parties involved is close, you should take the
time to send a card. If the relationship is more casual or exists predominantly
online, go crazy with the emojis.
Funerals and
condolences
A hand-written note
or card should be sent. If you want to send an online message as
well, that’s OK, but these are situations in which attention and care are
important. A little extra time should be taken to pay your respects and send
your regards with a card.
Thank-yous
A thank-you card is
best relayed on an actual card. The typical thank-you, for a
gift, kind gesture, or help with something important, definitely works best on
a real card with real writing.
Casual thank-yous for
casual events (a friend stopped by your summer cookout) can absolutely be sent
via email.
Job interview
follow-up
An email is OK, but a
hand-written note is the best way to be remembered. Don’t text!
These scenarios and
any others you encounter also rely on common sense: When in doubt, go with your
gut.
Or as Jodi Smith put
it: “What you do depends on your relationship with the individual. The bottom
line is that if you think ‘Maybe I should send a card,’ chances are, you
should.”
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