Here's what to say instead.
As a generation, baby
boomers are known for many things, and unfortunately divorce is on that list.
In the past two and a
half decades, amid declining divorce rates overall, the divorce rate for adults
age 50 and over has doubled, according to the Pew Research Center. For people
age 65 and older, the rate has tripled.
So-called gray
divorce has become so widespread it’s given birth to a new category of
self-help and financial advice.
But even when you’ve
had many friends break the news that their marriage has come to an end, it can
still be hard to know exactly what to say.
Especially if the
couple has been in your life for many years, you may have grown extremely close
to your friend’s spouse. Your families may have vacationed together, raised
your kids together, celebrated milestones together.
But of course, you want
to support your pal in every way possible. “Friends can be especially important
during the stressful time of a breakup,” says JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, a clinical
psychologist and author specializing in divorce.
Unfortunately, all
too often, friends unintentionally shame, blame or send negative messages to
the person going through the break-up.
So steer clear of the
phrases below, which are likely to make your friend feel even worse — and learn
what to substitute instead.
1. “I think you’re making a mistake.”
“I’ve noticed that
the first thing friends of my clients want to do is jump in and fix the
situation,” says Chaim Steinberger, a divorce and family law attorney in New
York City. “Male friends especially are likely to say something like, ‘you’re
making the biggest mistake of your life, don’t do it,’ which obviously, isn’t
very helpful.”
The reality is
there’s not much you can do to fix the situation. Instead, your job is to
listen without judgement no matter how emotional things get, says Steinberger.
“You can’t imagine how much healing goes on with a sympathetic ear,” he
adds.
What to say instead: “Tell me more about
how you came to this decision.”
“It is crucial to be
a friend who can be there unconditionally to listen with empathy,
encouragement, support, and no judgement,” says Pedro-Carroll.
2. “You’re better off, he never deserved you anyway.”
Being a good listener
gets tricky when you’re dealing with rants about the ex.
While you want to
give your friend a chance to let off steam, you also don’t want them to get
stuck in a debilitating tirade.
But piling on the
rant isn’t the way to go. While you might think that saying something like, “I
always knew he was a jerk,” or “you’re better off without her” might sound
sympathetic, it actually has the ring of “I told you so.”
“It’s important for
friends to not fan the flames of conflict between former partners — this only
adds more stress and can actually be toxic over extended periods of time,” says
Pedro-Carroll.
Monica Roman Gagnier,
a divorcee from Santa Fe, N.M, agrees: “When people who had been genuinely
friendly to my ex in the past told me they never liked him, I wondered, why
were you so deceptive all this time?” remembers Gagnier. “What kind of friend
are you?”
“It’s important for friends to not fan the flames of
conflict between former partners.”
Psychologist JoAnne Pedro-Carroll
And no matter how
tempting, don’t air dirty laundry. The time your friend’s husband got drunk at
your party and made a sloppy pass at someone in the kitchen? The time your
friend’s wife said she was going to a PTA meeting but really got drunk and went
gambling with her girlfriends? Let the secrets of the past stay in the
past.
What to say instead: “You must feel so
angry and hurt.” By simply echoing their feelings, you avoid all hints of
judgement. And if the couple should happen to get back together (it happens!),
you don’t have to worry that you’ll find yourself embarrassed over what you
said during those late night heart-to-hearts.
3. “You’re acting so strange since Jerry left you.”
It’s common for newly
separated people to experiment with a lot of different identities, trying to
figure out exactly where they fit in the world. You’ll need to accept that your
friend is going to be different single than he or she was as part of a
couple.
What to say instead: “It’s great you’re
trying so many new things. Tell me what you like best.” Help embrace your
friend’s new identity, whatever that may look like, with lots of positive
reinforcement. “Buy them some nice stationery with just their name on it, or
some new monogrammed towels to celebrate their new identity,” suggest Gagnier.
Most of all, be
patient, suggests Steinberger. “People go through a lot of different stages and
phases in divorce, some of them a bit wacky. You’re a good friend if you stand
by through everything.”
4. “Let’s go to our favorite brunch place on Saturday.”
Older divorce can
entail a massive change in daily routines and mindsets. That restaurant that
the four of you used to frequent in the good old days? It just might send your
friend over the edge.
Your friend may be ready for intimate company sooner than
you think.
What to say instead: “What have you
always wanted to do but couldn’t do before? Let’s go for it!” Help your friend
embrace that change by doing something new or something your friend has always
wanted to do but didn’t have the chance when married. Sign up for rowing
or pickleball.
Take an improv or art class.
Or volunteer for a
cause your friend is passionate about. “Nothing helps take you out of your own
troubles like serving others,” says Steinberger. “And your friend will meet
some new people.”
5. “I know you’ll want to spend some time alone for a
while.”
Especially if your
friend is newly single after a long marriage, or struggling with a bitter
divorce, you might think that she’s best off taking a break from relationships
altogether.
But your friend may
be ready for intimate company sooner than you think. And by helping your friend
broaden his or her social group on every level, you’re offering invaluable
support.
“Socializing is
one of the most dramatic changes divorced people face later in life,” says
Pedro-Carroll. “Acknowledging that change is one of the best things you can
do.”
What to say instead: “What can I do to
help you meet new people?” And absolutely, offer any knowledge you
may have of the online dating sites designed for 50 plus. There’s nothing like
friends helping friends take the plunge into this new territory.
“I remember when I
first started dating someone after my second divorce, a couple of friends said,
‘oh, I always thought he might be good for you,’” recalls Joyce Present, 60,
from Detroit, Mich. “I thought, well ‘why didn’t you introduce me? You could
have saved me a lot of trouble!’”
https://www.considerable.com/life/divorce/divorce-worst-things-worst-to-say/?utm_source=postup&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=DNL-121019
No comments:
Post a Comment