1. The most
effective way to achieve your goals is to transform your character.
The most lasting and effective way to transform your
character is to align yourself with self-evident and enduring principles.
Principles are objective and unchanging laws that govern human
effectiveness, growth, and happiness. Examples include fairness, kindness,
and integrity. These principles can be discovered in the roots of every
society, family, and institution that has prospered throughout history. One
way to grasp the self-evident nature of these principles is to imagine
trying to live an effective life based on their opposites. Would anyone
really consider unfairness, hostility, and deceit a solid foundation for
lasting happiness?
Contrary to popular belief, being an effective person is not
about gaining fame, fortune, or power—it’s about training your character
and behavior to line up with the right principles.
So how do we do start to live based on principles? If we
want to develop a principled approach to living, we need to understand the
principle of growth. Inherent in growth is the idea of progress. Most
people understand the idea of progress in the physical realm. For example,
a child crawls, then walks, then runs. Development of physical strength
takes time and effort. If you try to implement quick-fix techniques, you
will not ultimately succeed in producing the lasting growth you want.
Sustainable growth requires patience and discipline. Think about your
relationships: to be effective in relating to a husband, wife, child, or
co-worker, it is vital that you learn to really listen. You will need
patience, openness, and a commitment to understanding. These are all highly
developed character qualities that take time and effort to cultivate. It is
easier to fake a developed character than a developed physique. In fact,
you may even be practiced at “posing” and “putting on” for the public, but
you know who you are on the inside. To really grow, you need a character
rooted in principles.
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2. Being proactive
will empower you to create the reality you want.
Our self-image tends to be determined by the collection of
our past experiences and people’s perceptions of us. This limiting view of
self places other people and experiences in the driver seat, determining
how we react to life. The only surefire way to overcome this is to practice
proactivity. A proactive person knows that how they respond to their
circumstances is completely up to them. They choose to respond in ways that
line up with their truest values and goals. Being proactive leads to a kind
of freedom because you’re no longer defined by people’s perceptions of you
or even your negative circumstances or reputation. Proactivity is possible
because of self-awareness and choice. Unlike animals, who are driven by their
primal instincts, humans can exercise self-awareness and choice not only in
how they “react” to any given stimulus, but also in what they choose to
proactively do.
Proactivity is exemplified in the life and legacy of Victor
Frankl. Although Frankl was imprisoned in a death camp and suffered
horrible injustice, he became an inspiration to many. He acted upon the one
human freedom that even his Nazi captors could not take away: the freedom
to choose his response. By exercising this choice, Frankl began to discipline
his mind and emotions until he developed even more freedom than his
captors. They had liberty to choose from a greater pool of options, but he
discovered the freedom to choose who to become within his limited options.
By proactively choosing to be kind, encouraging, and patient, he went on to
inspire thousands. While he was neither wealthy nor outwardly successful,
Frankl exemplified true effectiveness. He transformed his character.
Being proactive empowers us to create the reality we want.
For example, if you want a better job, a loving and enriching marriage, and
enduring happiness, you can choose to be a better employee, a more
empathetic and loving spouse, and discover what makes you truly happy.
Self-awareness and choice are the basis of proactivity. As long as we fail
to exercise these freedoms, we remain dependent on people and circumstances
to solve our problems and give us what we want. Understanding this insight
is the foundation for all the others.
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3. If you begin
your journey with the end in mind, the destination you reach will be in
line with your core principles.
When building a home, every detail is thoughtfully
visualized, planned, and blueprinted before a hammer ever hits a nail. To
begin with the end in mind is to start the journey knowing the destination.
It means determining up front where and how our proactive energy should be
spent.
To begin with the end in mind ensures that nothing we do
will violate what we’ve already determined to be supremely important. It
gives us peace of mind knowing that each step in our lives will contribute
to our overall vision. When our actions are based on our core values we
become leaders. Most people, even successful ones, tend to operate as
managers of their lives. A manager cares about completing the tasks at
hand. A leader, on the other hand, not only cares about completing the
tasks, but knows which tasks are worth taking on in the first place. When
we develop personal leadership, we create a vision for where we are going.
Once we have a vision for ourselves, we can use our management skills to
accomplish our day-to-day goals.
One way to begin with the end in mind is to create a
personal mission statement. This statement should encompass who you want to
be (your character) and what you want to do (your contributions and
achievements). When drafting your mission statement, identify the values
and principles upon which your life will be based. Additionally, some
people have found it helpful to use the visualization exercise of picturing
their own funeral. Imagine that you are attending your own funeral, with
four people offering reflections on the life you’ve lived: a close friend,
a family member, a co-worker, and a member from your community or church.
What would each of these guests say about who you were (character) and what
you did (contributions and achievements)? By imagining your end, you
quickly discover your deepest values.
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4. Setting
priorities based on your core principles allows you to spend your time and
energy wisely.
The skill of prioritization is only fruitful after you have
developed your personal mission statement and personal leadership. The
purpose of personal management and prioritization is to discipline your
independent will so that you can execute your unique mission. It is easy to
get stuck in the weeds of reactive problem-solving and crisis management.
Most of us would readily admit that we enjoy checking off boxes and
completing our ever-growing to-do lists, but we must remember why we want
to accomplish what we do. A principle-centered personal manager implements
boundaries to protect their commitments and can easily decline non-priority
tasks. This is a core principle of effective personal management.
Putting first things first will help you spend your time and
energy in ways that serve your core values, personal mission statement, and
principle-centered vision for effective living. Additionally, you will
build an internal system of integrity as you spend your time on activities
that accomplish your short- and long-term goals.
The habit of prioritization will help you to harmonize your
time with your values. If you decide that you value being a husband,
mother, teacher, or community organizer, you can then determine how best to
organize your time. Getting your priorities straight can also help you to
find balance in your schedule. For example, if your time and energy are
focused solely on producing, you will eventually burn out, thus decreasing
your ability to produce at all—what a terrible irony! Unfortunately, the
current time management paradigm prioritizes only urgent tasks, so we
forget to schedule activities that renew us. Renewal activities aren't
urgent; therefore, they feel lower priority. What a shame this is! To be
effective, not just efficient, we must manage our time in the context of
our long-term mission and what we value most.
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5. Cooperation—not
competition—is the most effective response to conflict.
When it comes to conflict, the most effective approach will
always be one that seeks the benefit and satisfaction of each party
involved. Oftentimes, emotional reactions to conflict are so strong that
making a principle-based decision feels difficult. When people see conflict
as competition, instead of an opportunity for cooperation, they assume
there is only a limited amount of pie and everyone has to fight for a
piece. This kind of zero-sum thinking is grounded in self-protection and
lacks the awareness of mutual benefit.
On the other hand, if you are naturally passive, you may
choose the path of least resistance. This response to conflict is still
based on competition. In the name of peace, you may allow the other person
to override your opinions and feeling altogether, raising the white flag
before you even start. Interpersonal maturity is the proper balance between
considering your needs and the needs of the other person and taking the
time to seek a cooperative solution.
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6. You’ll have
more effective dealings with others if you practice being a genuinely
empathetic listener.
Empathic communication emphasizes the character of the
listener. If listening techniques are not anchored to a character of
integrity and honesty, they tend to be contrived and manipulative. For
example, if your fundamental character is duplicitous and unstable, you
might appear phony to others if you express a sudden desire to understand
them.
This approach to listening boils down to the practice of seeking
first to understand another person with a pure desire. To do this, we need
to avoid planning our response to the listener while they are sharing. It
is important to understand what they are saying and feeling first. There
will be plenty of time to respond later. It is also common for the
listener, in an attempt to relate, either to interject with their personal
experience or to offer cheap advice. It takes discipline and a strong
character to let go of these listening patterns.
The pure desire to understand encourages the other person to
be vulnerable and open with you, which ultimately builds trust. You cannot
“will” your way into having a pure desire. It does not work like that. Once
again, the principled approach to effective living always involves personal
character first. Thus, it is only a person of integrity, honesty, and
interpersonal maturity who can seek to understand with a pure desire.
Once you begin to listen with a pure desire, free from
self-interest, you may, paradoxically, find yourself experiencing great
joy. The well-known maxim, “It is more blessed to give than to receive”
could be the culprit here. By seeking first to understand a person, not
just intellectually but also emotionally, you will meet their fundamental
need to be affirmed, validated, and appreciated. By doing this, you will
create deep reservoirs of trust that will benefit not just the other person
but you as well.
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7. To be an
effective person, you need to constantly sharpen and renew
yourself—physically, spiritually, and socially.
What’s the point of trying to fell a tree with a dull saw?
It would consume far less time and energy to simply sharpen the saw. Like
the saw, each of us requires sharpening. To practice this, you will need to
devote the necessary time and energy to renew each dimension of your life.
We can renew our physical bodies by consistently exercising,
eating well, and getting an adequate amount of sleep and rest. We develop
our proactive muscles by taking care of our long-term health and making
decisions based upon sound principles instead of feelings. Taking care of
our bodies improves our capacity to work, adapt, and enjoy life.
To practice spiritual renewal is to make sure that our inner
guidance and power are sourced in a principle-centered paradigm.
Essentially, spiritual renewal reminds us of our priorities; it will
challenge us to revise our personal mission statement and commitment to
principle-centered living. We need spiritual renewal to cleanse us from the
scripting of the current social paradigm and from the expectation,
pressures, and scripts that others project onto us. Some ideas for
spiritual renewal include spending time in nature, revising our personal
mission statement, meditating, creating art, praying, and even serving
others. Additionally, we can renew our minds by reading good literature,
writing in a journal, learning something new, or even limiting the amount
of time we spend watching television.
To practice social renewal, we need to remember the
principles of interpersonal leadership, including cooperation and empathic
listening. These habits catalyze trust in our relationships. We need to
remind ourselves of our deepest values and personal mission statement when
choosing our renewal activities. For example, we can renew our commitment
to service by getting involved in a meaningful project or by calling a
friend with the intention to listen and understand. Practicing social
renewal is as simple as finding creative ways to integrate principled
living into our daily social interactions.
Practicing living based on principles is an ongoing cycle.
You will repeatedly learn, commit, and do. And when rooted in principles,
your very character—and thus your actions and attitudes—will naturally bear
the fruit of effective living.
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Endnotes
These insights are
just an introduction. If you're ready to dive deeper, pick up a copy of The 7
Habits of Highly Effective People here.
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