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Key insights from
Seen: Despair and Anxiety in Kids and
Teenagers and the Power of Connection
By
Will Hutcherson, Chinwé U. Williams
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What you’ll learn
Will Hutcherson is an American pastor and speaker. He has
devoted his career to speaking about mental health in children and
teenagers. His non-profit, Curate Hope, meets at schools to speak about
mental health and educate teenagers. Alongside his work with youth,
Hutcherson also organizes workshops for parents, on issues of mental health
with an emphasis on practical guidance. Dr. Chinwé Williams is a counselor
and speaker. When she is not operating her own counseling practice,
Williams is an avid teacher, researcher, and consultant on mental health
and counseling. In Seen, Hutcherson and Williams introduce parents
to issues in mental health, providing knowledge and tools to support and
speak hope into the lives of their depressed children.
Read on for key insights from Seen.
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1. Decline in
mental health is often a dis-pairing of the brain’s hemispheres.
In understanding the clinical, physiological side of mental
health, it is important to understand a bit about the brain. The brain is
divided into two hemispheres, which generally correspond to two distinct
aspects of our minds. On the left side of the brain, logic, planning, and
reasoning occur, whereas on the right side, emotion, instinct, and appetite
arise. Oftentimes one will hear someone say they’re “left-brained” or
“right-brained” which refers to their personality and decision making.
Though the brain is much more complicated than this
dichotomy, these two general spheres represent the processes carried out
routinely as we live, work, and play. The synchronicity between these two
spheres is essential for our health and well-being. When our mental health
declines and we begin to despair, what often is occurring is a dis-pairing
(or decoupling) between the hemispheres of our brain.
People beginning to slip into despair often feel numb. Many
report feeling dissociated from their own lives, as if they are just passing
through their days, ground down by their sorrow. The numbness they feel is
often not a lack of feeling, but rather reflects an overwhelming rush of
unidentifiable feelings. Physiologically, the hemispheres of the brain are
desynchronized, and no longer correspond appropriately as they should. The
right side of the brain is stimulated by increased levels of stress, which
leads to a build up of intense emotions. Emotions normally rebalance the
brain to equilibrium, but in cases like these, the logical processes on the
left side of the brain cannot utilize the emotions. They are too built up
and intense. Breakdowns between the hemispheres occur.
Depression and anxiety are deepened by this disconnect in
the brain. Thankfully, there are five “pairing keys” that can aid in the
process of healing through the power of connection. Loving those who are
depressed or anxious can be challenging because they themselves often do
not know how to clearly articulate their feelings. Nonetheless, the way
forward is together in conversation, connecting with your child as his or
her brain makes its own connections stronger again.
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2. To begin
affecting a change, you have to show up and be fully present.
It is amazing how easy it is to not be present to those
around us. We can sometimes think as we grow older that we’ll master the
art of listening, caring, and conversing with others. This is patently
unrealistic, because it is always easy to ignore others, give them half of
our effort, and tune out people who get in the way of our interests and
aims. Unfortunately, this often lets bad trends become worse, especially
when our loved ones need extra support and care.
Genuinely showing up in the lives of the mentally afflicted
means being on standby. Rather than fixing issues or smothering them with
affection and encouragement, we must give them the space to breathe and
feel less alone. Showing up means proactively initiating moments of quality
time and conversation. By being on standby, we gain insight into what our
children care about and are afraid of. But more importantly, we gain
insight into their behavior changes, changes that might signify deepening
depression or anxiety.
Alongside the vigilance needed to observe how your child
feels and acts, being present is essential to any serious conversation.
This means no oscillating between activities, avoiding eye contact, or
voicing half-minded responses. True empathy for a hurting son or daughter
entails a commitment to hearing how they feel and ultimately stepping into
their feelings as well. In doing this, our children will recognize, if
nothing else, that they are seen.
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3. To properly see
your child, you must attend to the motivations underlying their behavior.
It is easy to get frustrated with children, especially when
they are acting out or withdrawn. It is harder to be present with them when
it feels like they want no one around, especially their parents. When faced
with this challenge, it is important to acknowledge that their behavior
reflects underlying motivations.
Sometimes this means asking what may have happened earlier
that day, or in their past. Past trauma can leave scars that cause children
to lash out, especially if that trauma is compounded by repeated instances
of abuse or neglect. What needs to change in general is the main question
we ask regarding a child’s poor behavior. Instead of asking “Why are they
doing that?” we should ask “Where are they coming from?”
This is where as parents we must walk alongside our
children. Not only does this mean we reflect on their behavior, but also we
lead them to examine their behavior and help them along the way. Since
mental illnesses physiologically debilitate our brain’s capacity to process
emotion and execute clear thinking, stepping in as the parent often means
helping to recreate this process with our child. We are trying to bring the
right-brain work back together with left-brain work, so the child can clear
away some of their burdens. Bearing a mental illness often crushes a child
underneath intense emotional pressure. It seems easier and safer just to
stow away emotional issues instead of trying to work through them. Coming
alongside our children to help them lift some weight off, bit by bit, is
like giving them a breath of fresh air.
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4. Conversation
with a suffering child requires becoming a steady listener.
It is hard to listen, and even harder to listen quietly to
one’s own child. Talking to them and telling them “the way things ought to
be” is a characteristic of parental authority. It can be challenging as a child
grows older to listen as they assert their own independence. Furthermore,
if a child develops mental health issues, it can become harder to be
patient as they navigate these new experiences. The third pairing key,
however, is proper listening.
While the second key emphasizes attentiveness to a child and
an inquisitive attitude, this can often become marred by a fix-it mentality
that talks over the child. Rather than giving a child control of the
conversation to share their suffering, a parent can keep them from opening
up by talking about the issue from their own perspective. Healing begins,
however, when space is made for the child to share their perspective,
and parents talk less.
Sharing the conversational space is not easy, especially
when parents have to deal with the volatile emotions of a child who may
even blame them for their condition. It is important in these moments to
refrain from lashing out, because even if the child is misperceiving their
situation, they can only respond to someone stepping into their perspective
and helping guide them out of it.
In this pairing key, asking the right question must be
subjugated under statements like “tell me more.” Using language like this
consistently refocuses the conversation on the child and their own
perspective. Helping them process their thoughts verbally will enable them
to understand their emotions more clearly. This phase of the conversation
is important, because there needs to be a balance between restraint from
talking too much, and healthy contribution that preserves their space in
the conversation.
More than speaking specific words, avoiding specific phrases
is helpful. Phrases such as “How are you?” or “Why do you feel like this?”
often are empty general questions that do not promote conversation. Others,
such as “don’t cry” or “you’ll get over this” are harsh and blunt the
child’s willingness to be vulnerable with their concerns and issues.
Ultimately, all of these phrases are small examples to avoid while seeking
the actual pairing key here. To support the child through silence and
empathetic comments in an open conversational space ushers in new healing.
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5. Once a
connection has been formed in safe conversation, begin to speak life to
your child.
It is important that the first three keys are receptive
rather than overactive. Showing up, seeing their frustrations, and
listening to their experiences are crucial for forging a place of care and
support. All three of these keys necessitate an openness to the child’s
perspective, which requires a commitment of time and energy. In the fourth
key, a response to the child begins with the parent. This key is “speaking
life.”
Speaking life is about the words used to respond to someone
about their mental illness. It means intentionally using words that are
fruitful, purposeful, and positive. The human brain is wired to perceive
negative words as threats to its survival. Thus, the brain prioritizes
those words, keeping them at the foreground over positive words or
sentiments. When trauma and relational abuse causes or intensifies mental
illness, it will feel like an uphill battle to break patterns of negative
thinking that result from negative words.
But simply giving “positive vibes” or generic platitudes is
not the same as speaking life. Speaking life means planting realistic,
positive words in the mind of a hurting child, so they can learn a new,
truer image of themselves. Three adjectives that describe speaking life are
as follows: simple, specific, and repetitious. Not just any positive words
will work, but ones that actually correspond to and describe the child as
they are, even if they do not see themselves that way. Phrases like “I’m
proud of you” and “You’re amazing” are good, and should give way to
specific examples in the child’s life. Moreover, because habitual,
self-denigrating thoughts are so pernicious, positive affirmation must be
shared consistently, over and over again. It is easy to ignore a nice
comment here or there. Ignoring the loving words of a kind-hearted parent
that are heard daily is much harder.
With consistent verbal affirmation, a child’s brain will
start adapting to the new source of affection and value being lavished upon
them. Healthy mental habits come with a healthier brain that rewires itself
to receive love and thoughts of self-worth.
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6. In a safe
conversational space, with encouragement and attentiveness to your child,
you can help them build grit.
Many of the previous pairing keys can be likened to the work
of a farmer. The farmer must show up, recognize the structure of his land
and the nature of his soil, and then sow seeds that will bear fruit.
Likewise, the parent coping with their child’s mental health will help them
reharmonize their brains and reorder their image of themselves. Doing this
entails knowing where your child is and where they think they are going,
and helping lead them to a new place. The final pairing key is building
grit. Doing this will build confidence and protect the seeds of
encouragement sown through conversation.
Grit, or resilience, is sustained persistence toward a goal.
Persistence in dealing with mental health is built upon developing
emotional competence, which begets confidence. Confidence enables the child
to grapple with suffering and adversity, which are inevitable in any life.
Here, more than in any other pairing key, the parent can model for the
child what it means to have grit. Parents have experience navigating
adversity and sorrow in ways children do not.
Even if you did not have mental health struggles like your
child, you are able to share your own experiences of dealing with adversity
and seasons of overwhelming emotions. For children dealing with mental
illnesses, hearing these experiences from a mature role model is especially
important, because they are disadvantaged by their self-doubt. When they
struggle, it is important to avoid both coddling and neglecting them. To
coddle them would be to resolve their problems for the sake of a short-term
release of anxiety. To neglect them would be to abandon them without help
for navigating their increasingly complex lives.
Instead of either option, parents must act like guides.
Guides help others circumvent some challenges without avoiding the real
effort required for a journey. Pointing out a challenge and supporting a
child through it entails constant presence, consistent support, and a
respect for their own space and personhood, as they seek to grow in their
ability to live well.
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Endnotes
These insights are
just an introduction. If you're ready to dive deeper, pick up a copy of Seen here. And since we get a commission on
every sale, your purchase will help keep this newsletter free.
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