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Key insights from
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a
Lifetime of Love
By
Sue Johnson
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What you’ll learn
No matter how passionate and enrapturing the initial
romantic connection, love in a relationship is doomed to fizzle out over
time, right? Clinical psychologist Sue Johnson strongly disagrees. After
making little headway working with distressed couples through rational
problem solving or exploring early childhood, Johnson developed Emotions
Focused Therapy (EFT), an approach that helps couples discover the
vulnerable emotions that roil beneath routine conflicts and
misunderstandings. In Hold Me Tight, Johnson argues that
responsiveness to our partner’s deep, attachment-based emotions is the
secret to lifelong love. She encourages lovers to have a number of
conversations, on topics such as their particular dances of dysfunction,
their core wounds, their deepest fears and needs, and sex. What follows are
some of those conversations.
Read on for key insights from Hold Me Tight.
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1. Fights in
relationships are better characterized as protests—protests over unmet
attachment needs.
Relationships are a kind of dance. In the process of
learning the dance, partners invariably step on each other’s toes, dance
from a safe distance, or step off the dance floor entirely. “Demon
Dialogues” are the go-to destructive conversations that couples pull each
other into as they fumble their way through the steps of a relational
dance. These dialogues take on one of three different shapes: Find the Bad
Guy, the Protest Polka, or Freeze and Flee.
In Find the Bad Guy, the pair doesn’t let the other get too
close. They dance at a distance, suspiciously watching the other, pointing
out the partner’s missteps and mistakes. By blaming each other, they lose
the opportunity to reconnect in a way that feels safe for both.
The Protest Polka is a dance partners fall into when Find
the Bad Guy carries on long enough that the exchanges become patterned.
Some researchers call it “demand-withdraw” or “criticize-defend,” but
“protest” better captures what’s happening in those moments: objection to
the loss of secure attachment.
The Freeze and Flee is the third development, which takes
place when the Protest Polka has carried on at length. Instead of
protesting, they give up entirely, retreating to opposite ends of the dance
floor. So sick of stepping on each other’s feet, they stop stepping entirely.
They no longer fight for their deep need for attachment, but bury it and
opt for numbness and disconnection. This is far and away the most
precarious dance of all because hope is dwindling.
When you think about your arguments, what are the tactics and
lines you use to outwit or put down your partner, to show you’re right and
your partner is wrong? What are your go-to accusations? Instead of seeing
isolated actions, which leads to accusations and triggers, both partners
need to piece together the dance sequence that they’ve developed and assess
what it tells them about their relationship. Identifying the moves that
suck the other partner into the dance is also critical. By recognizing
these central dance maneuvers and how they fuel emotional disconnection,
partners can start to see the destructive dance as the enemy, rather than
their partner.
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2. Find out your
core attachment wounds and your partner’s, or you will attack the other’s
to protect yours.
Raw Spots are areas of emotional hypersensitivity in our
lives that grow out of experiences with the “2Ds”: deprivation and
desertion. The attachment system is most alert to these threats, and will
quickly set off our internal alarms because we desperately avoid
experiencing them—even as adults. For adults, love relationships form the
relational ground most likely to activate this alarm system.
We are usually blind to our Raw Spots and they manifest as
secondary irritations. But when we withdraw or get angry, we revert to the
Demon Dialogues. These reactions are shields that defend against
vulnerabilities: our shame, sadness, and especially fear.
Often the Demon Dialogues are the result of partners’ Raw
Spots rubbing against each other, which leads to each of the partners
irritating the other’s Raw Spot in order to protect their own. Deactivating
those go-to Demon Dialogues is part of the solution, but another part is
learning to soothe your Raw Spots and your partner’s, too. Those who grew
up in a stable, loving home find it easier to soothe themselves and their
partner. When the Raw Spots are the result of deep, traumatic wounds from
childhood, past relationships, or even the current relationship, the
process usually takes longer, but is still possible. No matter how deep and
sensitive the wounds, no one needs to remain trapped in the past.
Common signs of rawness include a sudden emotional pivot in
yourself or your lover and reactions that seem out of place given the
context: unexpectedly blowing up or retreating, for example. Learning the
signs of rawness matters because these vulnerabilities need to be soothed
rather than covered up. The more couples conceal from each other, the less
they will feel seen and understood.
We are attentive to the attachment needs of young kids,
usually because they make them obvious through behaviors such as crying.
But many adults struggle mightily to meet or even understand attachment
cues. Many of us learned to stop asking for what we needed because it was
painful to continue going without it. The protests and pleas continue into
adulthood, but they become less straightforward, more garbled. Anger and
withdrawal disguise our more tender needs. Sometimes these needs are so
tender that we choose invulnerability over the vulnerability needed for
that secure base we long for.
When you decide to try out vulnerability, you don’t have to
divulge everything at once. You can let your partner know that it is hard
for you to share. If you are afraid to share your more vulnerable aspects,
try sharing the reasons it is hard to talk about them. Try describing the
worst-case scenario that you are envisioning with your partner. For
example, “I’m worried that if I share this, you will get angry and storm off.”
This gives the partner an opportunity to reassure you and lets them know
your fears.
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3. To practice
finding and soothing emotional raw spots, revisit recent exchanges that
didn’t go as hoped.
Deescalating conversations in moments of emotional disconnection
so they don’t spiral into anything more damaging is a crucial part of
moving toward lifelong love. One way to practice de-escalation is to
revisit recent not-so-great interactions.
1. Pause the game. When you know the Demon Dialogues and Raw
Spots you as a couple habitually return to, you can catch yourselves and
begin shifting the pronouns from you and I (“you always do this”; “I am
never enough for you”; and so on) to “we.” It’s a way of reestablishing
common ground and reminding each other that you’re on the same team.
Otherwise, someone becomes a saint and the other a sinner.
2. Own the moves you bring to the dance of dysfunction.
People tend to focus on the other person’s moves and the harm they do, but
things don’t improve until both accept their own contributions.
3. Own your feelings, and be honest about them. For example,
“In that conflict, when you shut down, I felt shaken up and scared. I felt
alone.”
4. Take ownership of the way you influence the feelings of
your partner. When people are connected emotionally in a romantic
relationship it is inevitable that one partner disconnecting will impact
the other. Knocking the partner emotionally off-kilter inevitably triggers
attachment fears. Own the ways you drag the other person (and yourself) into
a tailspin.
5. Once you slow down internally and dial down the noise,
you will become curious about your partner’s deeper emotions. Beneath your
partner’s anger are tender spots for you (gently) to investigate, instead
of just being stuck on your own tender spots. “I see that you’re angry
about what I said. Can you tell me what’s underneath that?”
6. Share your own deep, tender emotions with your partner.
Showing your fear and shame and sadness reveals to your partner what is on
the line for you, and why it feels so risky for you to share. Seeing you
accessible is reassuring for your partner.
7. Stand together in the common cause of supporting each
other, aware of each other’s vulnerabilities. By doing this, you are
fighting for each other, not against each other. You can see escalations as
they arise and cool them off instead of heating them up.
It takes practice for deescalation to become second nature
within a relationship. There will inevitably be moments of conflict and
bewilderment. But the more habits of soothing and reconnecting are embedded
in the relationship, the more support a couple can extend to one another,
and the more they will be able to pause and ask, “What’s going right now?”
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4. Fear and
longing are intimately intertwined.
By identifying Demon Dialogues and Raw Spots, and revisiting
the conversations that did not go well, a couple gets into the habit of
putting out fires and clearing emotional wreckage. As this becomes a
rhythm, you can build in positive conversations that add to the
relationship. You want “A.R.E. conversations,” interactions brimming with
accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement.
A.R.E. conversations make it possible for you to discover
your own and your partner’s deepest attachment needs—and, by extension,
your own and your partner’s deepest longings. Our deepest attachment fear
and deepest longing are linked. By learning what you and your partner are
most afraid of, you can identify each other's attachment needs and begin to
meet them.
Here are some deep attachment needs that people commonly
give voice to:
“I need to sense:
-that you love and accept me as I am, with all my
shortcomings.
-that I am special to you and you value what we have
together.
-that you want me, and that my happiness matters to you.
-that I can rely on you being there for me when I am most
vulnerable.
-that you will hear me out and respect what I am saying,
without brushing it aside or thinking less of me.”
Think of a past secure relationship with a friend,
colleague, or family member, and picture that person in front of you,
asking you what you most fear and most need. This exercise might make the
question easier to answer. Reflect on a past insecure relationship and see
if you can name what it was you needed but never got. Because these deep
needs are so bound with the fear of them going unmet, conversations about
the central relational drama of our lives can be scary. If you can’t bring
yourself to share these things with your partner, begin by sharing how hard
it is to voice your needs—or even to know what they are. It can also be
unnerving to be on the listening end if you are not sure how to respond or
if you worry you won’t respond in a helpful way. There’s no script for
this, but responsiveness (or minimally expressing a desire to be
responsive), is key.
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5. Sex is a vital
part of a healthy love relationship, but the passion fades if sex becomes
the end in itself.
People often conceive of sex as that initial spark or flame
that dims with time into a mature friendship. Passion and sensation give
way and commitment is what sustains a couple in the end, or so the
conventional wisdom goes. Self-help celebrities tell us this, and so does
Hollywood. But is it unreasonable to expect lifelong sexual intimacy with a
partner? What most people don’t know (or have given up on) is that sex can
be a lifelong joy, and the initial obsession just the appetizer in a
lifetime of lovemaking.
The problem comes when we make pleasure, performance, and
validation the end goals and an open, emotional connection is cut out. When
the emotional bond between people is compromised, sex is often the first
thing kicked to the curb. Couples who report relational satisfaction
attribute 15 to 20 percent of that satisfaction to sex, but those who
report more distress and discontent in their relationship typically assign
the sexual component far more weight—between 50-70 percent of their
dysfunction.
Sex is obviously an important piece for couples, whether
present or absent from the relationship, but the depth of trust they have
in their emotional bond will shape the ways they have sex. Lovemaking falls
into one of three categories: “Sealed-off Sex,” “Solace Sex,” and
“Synchrony Sex.”
Sealed-Off Sex is
the kind of sex people have when they do not actually trust each other but
still need to blow off steam. It’s James Bond sexuality: much more about
technique, impressing, and getting an orgasm. Connection is an afterthought
or not a thought at all. Those who engage in Sealed-Off Sex usually have
short, mechanical, non-affectionate transactions. There’s a reason porn
star Ron Johnson’s rule is “absolutely no cuddling.” Touch and mutual
affection enhances connection. Whether for biological or cultural reasons,
men are more likely to default to Sealed-Off Sex. It’s safer to close
oneself off to the emotional connection, but sex without personal
connection corrodes love relationships and blocks real eroticism.
Solace Sex treats
sex like anti-anxiety meds. Sex is secondary to the main agenda of feeling
validated and cherished. It might alleviate negative feelings for a time,
but it can also irritate undealt-with Demon Dialogues. For example, if your
value is found in your partner’s receptivity to you, the “no” starts to be
devastating. When sex becomes a compulsive hit of reassurance to compensate
for a lack of soothing touch that couples need throughout the day, the more
fundamental connection is missing. According to one psychologist, North
Americans are among the least tactile people on earth and experience the
misery of what she calls “touch hunger.” For those who default to Solace
Sex, abstaining from sex for a few weeks can help couples reconnect through
accessible, responsive, and engaged conversations and through rediscovering
the power of touch.
Synchrony Sex
is sex as its most potent: full of emotional accessibility, tenderness,
responsiveness, affection, and eroticism. Partners are tuned into what the
other is experiencing in the moment emotionally and physically and respond
accordingly, whether it’s escalating toward the rowdy and audacious or
meandering toward something more gentle. For couples with a secure bond,
lovemaking enhances that bond. The sex is relaxed, and both feel free to
surrender to the experience. They are not scared to state their preferences
and don’t feel shame or embarrassment when an experiment goes wrong. They
are safely attached and don’t worry about the wrong word or botched
position breaking the bond.
Secure connection reinforces a gratifying sexual encounter
and a gratifying sexual encounter reinforces a secure connection.
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6. Lifelong love
relationships are more crucial than ever in the 21st century because other
bonds are breaking down.
In the 21st century, many communal and societal bonds are
breaking down. As Robert Putnam frames it in his famous book Bowling
Alone, we are hemorrhaging “social capital.” Neighbors aren’t as
neighborly. Society is more transient, and we typically miss out on the
refuge of long-standing community ties and childhood friendships. Families
are not as stable, and even when they are, many young people move away “to
start their own lives.” These sociological shifts make the love
relationship that much more precious and integral to wellbeing. However
transient and career-focused society becomes, surveys continue to reveal
that most people consider a satisfying love relationship their top goal,
above meaningful career and earnings.
Problem solving and conflict resolution don’t save or
sustain these critical love relationships, but responding to your partner’s
attachment needs will. By discovering the Demon Dialogues and the Raw Spots
that are especially vulnerable, and learning to deescalate spirals, an
emotional connection becomes possible again. By having those “A.R.E.
conversations” (interactions marked by accessibility, responsiveness,
engagement), you can begin strengthening that emotional connection for a
lifetime of love.
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These insights are
just an introduction. If you're ready to dive deeper, pick up a copy of Hold Me
Tight here. And since we get a commission on
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