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Key insights from
The Gifts of Imperfection
By
Brene Brown
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What you’ll learn
In a society full of perfectionists, many hide in shame
because they inevitably fall short of such an impossible standard.
Psychologist and researcher Brené Brown exposes this all-too-common
phenomenon of interpreting imperfections as signs of inadequacy. She then
goes on to argue that these areas of vulnerability are not failures but
amazing opportunities to show courage, exercise true compassion, and
connect with others.
Read on for key insights from The Gifts of Imperfection.
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1. Self-awareness
coupled with self-acceptance makes personal transformation possible.
Once you observe a pattern in your life, it’s difficult to
“unobserve” it. We humans are wired to assign meaning to things, to make
sense of the phenomena before our eyes and within our minds.
Self-awareness is vital to growth, but loving yourself in
the process is even more vital. The wholehearted life we all want depends
on this self-acceptance. Without it, self-awareness will only perpetuate
shame. Self-acceptance is not just imperative for us, but also for the
people to whom we are closest. We can’t give what we ourselves do not
possess.
People refer to the midlife season of angst as a “crisis,”
but it’s more of an unraveling. During this unraveling season (or any other,
like moving, marrying, divorcing, having a child, finding a new job,
trudging through an unfulfilling job, experiencing grief) we feel a tug
toward living for what we ourselves consider most important rather than
living for what others think is important.
These times of loss and transition are opportunities in
disguise. They are significant junctures in life’s journey. This journey
toward wholeheartedness requires both heart and mind. The suggestions
and clarifications in this book are not checklists to be completed daily or
weekly. Showing others who we truly are is our life’s work. It takes time,
and it’s deeply challenging, sometimes painful, but ultimately enriching
soul work that leads to the wholehearted life we all desire.
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2. Courage,
compassion, and connection are the gifts of imperfection.
Ideals like courage and compassion seem hard to live up to
when we hate ourselves and feel inadequate. The good news is that these are
not new standards for us to achieve, but resources already at our disposal.
You feel weak and vulnerable? Perfect! These vulnerabilities are
opportunities for you to put these tools to work in your everyday life.
The word “courage” used to refer to speaking frankly about
one’s inner life. Cor is the Latin word for heart. It’s now become
synonymous with heroism, which is certainly needed in our world, but it
also gives the sense that it’s a lofty ideal that precious few achieve. But
to speak your mind to others, to share what’s going on is truly courageous.
It’s not easy, but there are opportunities to employ this kind of courage
everyday.
Compassion is another word whose meaning has been diluted
over time. Most people think of compassion as feeling sorry for someone.
One American Buddhist nun, Pema Chödrön, gets closer to the original
meaning when she defines compassion as “mov[ing] gently toward what scares
us.” In the original Latin, compassion meant “to suffer with.”
There is something scary about exercising compassion because
it sometimes means sitting in pain, another’s or our own. When we encounter
pain, we usually take self-protective measures. Some of the most common
forms of this are judgmentalism or the “let me fix you” attitude. To resist
the “doing” impulse by just being with someone is a far more valuable
exercise.
With compassion comes boundaries. Boundaries are essential
but rarely discussed in connection with compassion. It might surprise some
to learn that the people who practice compassion best are those who also
have well-defined boundaries. On the face of it, boundaries and
accountability sound isolating and guilt inducing, but they actually enable
us to show compassion well because we no longer feel used or manipulated by
others. Feeling manipulated or taking actions that others have chosen for
us are prime conditions for blaming and shaming someone. Compassionate
fruit will never spring from a bitter root.
Connection can be understood as the bond between people when
one makes the other (or both make each other) feel seen, heard, and
accepted. It’s a strengthening relationship in which there is freedom
instead of judgment. Science is catching up with our hunch that we’re
hardwired for connection with other people. We need it desperately and are
beginning to recognize just how dangerous isolation can be.
Technology has confused our understanding of connectedness.
It’s often a veneer of connectedness, but so many “connected” people feel
unheard, unseen, and undervalued. Why do we even bother going to parks and
restaurants together if we spend most of our time in our virtual worlds?
Real connection is not as easy as swiping right. It is a gift.
A life in which you are willing to reveal yourself to
others, in which you choose to walk with others through their pain, and
choose to stay connected requires deliberate action—especially in a culture
losing its grasp of the meaning of courage, compassion, and connection.
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3. When we don’t
believe in our own worthiness, we will desperately grasp at other things
and people to compensate.
People make their sense of worth conditional. When I get
my degree, I’ll be worth something. If I can lose fifty pounds, I’ll be
worthy. If I make my family proud, I’ll be worthy. These if/when
statements bar us from freedom and joy because we always manage to find new
arbitrary standards to aim for once we’ve accomplished the previous
standards.
The more fundamental problem is that we reject the parts of
our story that we don’t like, that don’t align with the person we think we
should be. This leaves us feeling fragmented and scared. We feel a keen
sense of lack when we can’t accept our story, and we will do just about anything
to fill it. We people-please, we perform, we try to do everything
perfectly.
This is one of life’s major challenges: accepting yourself
as you are. Right now. Not a future version of you that’s graduated and
fifty pounds lighter, but the “you” in this moment. With all your amazing
qualities and shortcomings, you are worthy.
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4. There’s no
substitute for a profound sense of love and belonging.
Without genuine love and belonging, we fall apart. This is
because humans are emotionally, biologically, neurologically, and
spiritually designed for it. Love is more than a feeling. Feelings come and
go. It’s a spiritual connection that’s deepened and cultivated through
action. If we say, “I love you,” but fail to demonstrate that love in
practice, our loftiest declarations of love sound hollow. The connection
will weaken and we will become exhausted by the disconnect. Both people
will feel isolated. To conceive of love as an action rather than feeling is
to take a proactive stance of responsibility and accountability. Belonging
is another primal human longing. Each of us wants to be connected to
something bigger than ourselves. This is why people spend their whole lives
looking for approval and trying to fit in.
These conclusions about love and belonging are based on
thousands of interviews conducted over the course of a decade about the
things that matter most. Love and belonging are some of the most
sought-after human experiences. They’re also uncommon experiences because
many people find it easier to hate themselves than to give themselves a
break.
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5. We can only
love others to the extent that we love ourselves.
To love others requires the courage to show people who we
are, both our strengths and our imperfections. So if you cannot accept
yourself, you will struggle to reveal those imperfect parts to others. You
will perform and please, but not establish the emotional, spiritual
connection that can only grow when we are truly known. This is why
belonging is antithetical to simply fitting in. Love belongs with
belonging. You will not experience belonging if you aren’t being loved for
who you truly are. You may put on a front to fit in. You will not
experience belonging if you are not loved for who you truly are. You may
put on a front to “fit in” but you’ve presented yourself as someone you’re
not. They will love someone else entirely: the façade you’ve placed before
them. Trying to fit in is a barrier to belonging. Loving yourself will
enable you to love others because you can give them the gift of courageous
self-revelation.
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6. Shame is the
fear that we are hopelessly unlovable.
Everyone gravitates to the “how to” self-helps because they
want shortcuts to happiness. But it’s critical to understand what gets in
the way of wholeness. Shame is perhaps the most formidable barrier. We have
mental tapes that play in moments of vulnerability or the thought of
vulnerability that dissuade us from utilizing our gifts of imperfection
(i.e., courage, compassion, and connection). These voices tell us that we
are inadequate, that we have ample reason to reject ourselves. They say
things like:
What would people think
if they found this out about me?
If people knew what I
was really like, what I’ve done, I’d lose their admiration.
I can adapt to others
if it means I’ll be accepted.
I’m not talented (or
popular or cool or competent or kind or masculine or feminine) enough to
accept myself.
Who do I think I am
putting my art or ideas out there for others to see?
Shame is essentially the fear of being unlovable, which is
the opposite of owning one’s story and sense of self-worth. In order to
build the strength to withstand shame, it’s important to remember that
everyone experiences feelings of shame, and just about everyone is afraid to
talk about it. The more we avoid talking about it, the more formidable and
crippling is the specter of shame.
As a society, we’re swimming in it. Research has revealed
that those who deal with shame effectively understand it and know the
particular expectations that creep in and lead to shame. They’re able to
hold those words and expectations up to the light of reality and see them
for what they are: attempts to equate their imperfection with inadequacy.
They are willing to share their stories with trusted individuals, using the
language of shame. They are able to articulate their needs and feelings.
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7. The
perfectionist lives in shame—the “good-enoughist” lives free of it.
Perfectionists constantly put themselves on trial, and the
verdict inevitably comes back “guilty as charged for not being good
enough.” Perfectionism is the root of all kinds of issues: depression,
because you’re angry at yourself for your inadequacy; addiction, because
you haven’t found a constructive way to confront the shame; and anxiety,
because there are so many things that can go wrong when sense of worth is
founded on things beyond your control, such as other’s perceptions of you.
A general life paralysis is another common outcome because the
perfectionist feels safer doing nothing than risking failure and letting
others down. Perfectionism is more common in people who grew up getting
praised for straight A’s and good manners and being on best behavior.
It is important to distinguish perfectionism from striving
for excellence and from self-improvement. Desiring achievement and growth
are healthy impulses, but perfectionism turns them into tactics for
garnering admiration. Perfectionists are dependent on others for a sense of
worth rather than claiming their own inherent worth, that they are already
good enough.
This is why compassion is a critical tool and gift. If
you’re like most people, you don’t know how to give yourself a break.
Kindness toward self is more constructive than self-flagellation. Treating
yourself with gentleness and patience becomes easier when we remember that
frailty and vulnerability are parts of the human experience.
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Endnotes
These insights are
just an introduction. If you're ready to dive deeper, pick up a copy of The Gifts
of Imperfection here. And since we get a commission on
every sale, your purchase will help keep this newsletter free.
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