Old rivalries and
resentments can bubble up when aging parents need help. Here's how to ensure
they won't pull your family apart
by Julie Halpert | June 19, 2019
When her mother
became ill in her late 80s, Phyllis Mensh Brostoff lived in Milwaukee, while
her two sisters resided near her mother in the Washington, D.C. area. Her
younger sister was busy raising teenagers while holding down a full-time job,
so her older sister had handled the bulk of their mother’s care.
During a visit one
June, her older sister told Brostoff that she was going away that summer,
leaving Brostoff scrambling to arrange care. “It put me in a bind,” she
recalls.
Fortunately, she was
able to find an assisted living facility in Milwaukee willing to rent to her
mother for the summer. The arrangement, Brostoff says, “gave my sisters a
respite and allowed me to spend quality time with my mother.”
Brostoff was
fortunate that she was well qualified to find a solution. She is the co-founder
of Stowell Associates, which provides professional home-care management
services. But when an aging parent needs help, it doesn’t always work out so
well.
“Previous sibling
rivalries that weren’t resolved effectively raise their ugly head in the
dynamics of the family,” says Kari Klatt, Stowell Associates’ executive
director.
Cara Lembo, who lived
with and was the primary caregiver for her mother until she died in 2013, grew
resentful that her out-of-town brothers didn’t pull their weight yet questioned
her decisions. Only recently have the siblings mended fences.
“Caregivers often
have to make hard choices,” says Lembo, a Point Pleasant, N.J. resident. “We
are the ones who are there when the ambulances come.”
“Previous
sibling rivalries that weren’t resolved effectively raise their ugly head in
the dynamics of the family.”
Kari
Klatt,
Stowell
Associates
According to a 2015 AARP report, roughly 34.2 million Americans provided
unpaid care to an adult age 50 and older in the prior 12 months. Nearly half
were caring for a parent or parent-in-law.
Helping out an aging
parent affects families in different ways. In a 2017 survey by the Alzheimer’s Association, 32% of Alzheimer’s
caregivers said that the work strengthened relations with their siblings, while
31% said it strained them. Among those reporting strain, 61% cited not having
enough help from a sibling as a cause.
Resentments often run
high when the major caregiver, typically the adult daughter who lives closest
to the parent, feels as if he or she is doing everything, says Lynn Feinberg,
senior strategic policy advisor at AARP. And often care needs to be sorted out
at a moment’s notice when a parent has been hospitalized.
“It can become
stressful, challenging, and emotional, because you’re dealing with complex
family systems, often anticipating the loss of a parent,” says Feinberg.
So how do siblings
avoid conflict at a time when they can use each other’s support the most? Here
are some key takeaways from experts.
Find out what your
parents want
Sherwin Sheik,
founder and CEO of CareLinx,
a nationwide provider of in-home care, says conflict can be alleviated simply
by encouraging your parents to have (and share) a plan for when their health
declines. That could include which sibling has been designated to manage care,
how much money is available for care, and how long your parents would prefer to
remain at home.
Leaving it to the
kids to figure out what’s best for the parent often causes friction, he says.
That’s especially true if one sibling is concerned about an inheritance and
wants to minimize how much money is spent on care.
Once a parent’s
wishes are understood and valued, adds Feinberg, “children don’t have the
enormous pressure of having to make difficult decisions.”
Give everyone a job
There’s typically a
“quarterback,” or a primary caregiver among the siblings, says Sheik. Tensions
can flare up when he or she takes unilateral action. On the flip side, this
sibling shouldering the most responsibility can feel put-upon and beleaguered.
To keep disagreements
and hard feelings to a minimum, communication is key.
Even though siblings
may disagree with the quarterback’s choices, they’ll likely fall in line if
they are involved in developing a plan, Sheik says. AARP’s Prepare to Care Guide includes checklists that can be helpful
for organizing care and creating a plan.
To
keep disagreements and hard feelings to a minimum, communication is key.
Ask what each sibling
is able and willing to do to support the joint plan, and find out what help the
quarterback needs so he or she doesn’t burn out. “Open communication on expectations,
roles, and responsibility split among the siblings is the most critical
step,” says Sheik.
Even siblings who
live far away can contribute. “In a family, there’s something for everyone
to do,” says Brostoff. With banks and brokerage online, an out-of-town sibling
could be the power of attorney for money matters or pay bills remotely.
Draw on local
resources
Lightening the load
can help diffuse sibling tensions, so take advantage of services in your
community that help with transportation, meals, and in-home care. At eldercare.gov, you’ll find
links to local government agencies that assist the aging.
AARP helps you find
local help through the Alzheimer’s Association’s Community
Resource Finder tool, which pulls from more than 400 sources,
both commercial and nonprofit, and the information is not limited to
dementia-related care. The CreditforCaring
app also connects you with community resources.
Employ technology
The right apps can
help siblings coordinate care, says Grace Whiting, president and CEO of the National Alliance for Caregiving.
CareLinx and Honor match you with
in-home caregivers.
With LifeSite, you can store any
records related to caregiving in a secure place and share that information with
family members. Users are notified every time a collaborator accesses the
information.
CareZone organizes health
information, providing automatic reminders to take meds or refill
prescriptions. LivPact
facilitates care coordination and helps you monitor a parent to ensure they’re
safe.
Bring in an outsider
A trained
professional, usually a social worker or geriatric care manager, can develop a
care plan that walks you and your siblings through how best to meet your
parents’ needs and connect you with the appropriate resources. Experienced in
mediating family conflict, they can bring a calm voice to a crisis.
You can search for a
care manager by zip code at the Aging Life Care
Association website, which also includes a list of
questions to ask when you look to hire someone. Rates for consulting
with a care manager range from $125 to 250 an hour, says Brostoff, depending on
where you live (more in the large cities on the East and West coasts, less in
smaller towns and in the Midwest, South, and Southwest).
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