Better Small Talk: Talk to Anyone, Avoid Awkwardness, Generate Deep Conversations, and Make Real Friends

View in Browser   Key insights from Better Small Talk: Talk to Anyone, Avoid Awkwardness, Generate Deep Conversations, and Make Real Friends By Patrick King

What you’ll learn We all know that feeling of dread that shows up with us at a networking event, a party, or a pub when we realize we don’t know anyone there. The idea of initiating small talk or trying to join a circle of strangers in a way that doesn’t feel forced or awkward is enough to send many people turning tail and heading home. In Better Small Talk, a business consultant and social skills coach based in San Francisco offers suggestions on how to engage people in a way that is natural, disarming, and can lead to conversations and relationships that venture below the surface, whether in long-time relationships or in friends to-be.   Read on for key insights from Better Small Talk: Talk to Anyone, Avoid Awkwardness, Generate Deep Conversations, and Make Real Friends.

1. The “stranger danger” paradigm helped us as kids, but it hamstrings us as adults. We all crave meaningful conversations and the sense of connection that accompanies those exchanges, but many go without and suffer the consequences in the form of depression, anxiety, and a slew of other health complications. Research demonstrates time and again the power of so-called “big talk” to bring joy and satisfaction and health into our lives. People prefer big talk to small talk, but our aversion to small talk can often get in our way of moving toward the deep end of the conversational pool. For most of us, our psychological default is aversion to small talk, and that aversion predisposes us to be closed off to spontaneous exchanges with strangers and acquaintances, and the good those exchanges can bring us and others. That big talk is good for our health is nothing revolutionary. What most people don’t realize is that small talk can be too. Studies find that the majority of people assume it’s in their best interest to forgo even short exchanges with strangers, but the relevant data flatly rejects this common intuition. One 2014 study divided a group of public transportation passengers into three clusters: the first were instructed to avoid conversation with anyone and keep to themselves, the second group was instructed to strike up conversations with strangers, and the third group was instructed to behave as they normally would on public transportation. Research subjects from each group were asked to predict how they would feel at the end of the experiment. They predicted that the happiest people would be those who kept to themselves and didn’t attempt to connect with strangers, but the subjects who engaged in short bursts of small talk with a stranger reported feeling much happier than those who did not. These subjects were bracing for awkwardness but were pleasantly surprised. That study points to an antisocial default, one from which we need to find a way to excavate ourselves. As kids we were told not to talk to strangers. This might have been sage advice when we were young, but many of us bring that fear of strangers into adulthood, and this stunts our growth. The goal is to grow in conversational confidence and charisma, but if we hide behind our smart phones and don’t remove our earbuds, we will never outgrow that fear of strangers. We will continue to seem standoffish and unapproachable, and the thought of approaching and engaging others well will continue to feel out of reach.

2. Workers in the service industry are some of the best people to practice your small talk skills with because they are paid to be friendly. A 2013 study tested the effects of deviating from efficient, impersonal exchanges by observing customer interactions with baristas. Those who took a moment to smile at the barista and asked them how the day was going tended to walk away with more positive feelings than those who kept their daily coffee fetch strictly transactional. Not only does this study further solidify the insight that short bursts of engaged small talk are little boosts, it also reveals a helpful trick for those who are self-conscious about their small talk skills and looking for opportunities to improve. If you’re uneasy about small talk, start practicing with people in the service industry: baristas, waiters, valets, retailers, cashiers, and so on. Their livelihood depends on putting you at ease so you don’t need to worry about feeling like a total fool. And you have a captive audience. A cashier is stuck on the other side of the conveyor belt for another five hours. She’s not going anywhere. Try out your stories, your jokes, your lead-ins, your bearing, your turns of phrase. You can test out what lands and what doesn’t. Maybe you’re nervous and that translates to a harsh or halting delivery. Even if it does not go perfectly, that’s all right. Turn every encounter into a learning opportunity. Unless you do something horribly obscene or insulting, whatever you say will probably make a soft landing in service industries. Most of these workers are busy enough that they will forget about it in a few minutes. Moreover, if you have ever worked one of these jobs, you are aware of the monotony. By engaging in small talk, you can make these workers’ days. It might be the most enlivening moment they have all shift. It is a gift to them and a chance for you to hone your skill of small talk.

3. Social warm ups can help us become more comfortable with others—and with ourselves. Remember those moments in school when the teacher called on you while you were spaced out? The discomfort and helplessness of trying to collect yourself and concoct a response to a question you only half heard—all whilst your classmates watch: It was acute self-consciousness without any of the self-awareness. If we’re not used to doing small talk, we feel similarly unprepared when we try it. Going into conversations cold is like trying to talk to someone seconds after waking up, when your thoughts are as disheveled as your hair. Most people walk away from small talk with strangers feeling awkward because they attempt those conversations half-asleep. But just as a professional piano player warms up with scales or an athlete  with a light jog and thorough stretch, there are pre-conversation exercises that you can do to get socially limber and expand your comfort zone—with others and even with yourself. One is an exercise in childlikeness. It makes us more open to the world and the people therein. Start by finding a passage of fiction that you like, ideally a passage that contains dialogue and dramatic tension. Go ahead and read the excerpt out loud. What was that like? After this activity, most people feel warmed up and are more open to continuing talking. The physical act of loosening up has a similar effect on your disposition. Now, read the same excerpt aloud, but be as over the top as you can, like you’re reading to a group of seven-year-olds. Create personas and unique voices for each character. Whatever the emotions are in the text, bring those out in your intonation. You’re probably used to defaulting to a monotone voice. This is the time to drop that and emote as wildly as you know how. It’s a test for your emotional range and dexterity. There was probably a radical difference between the first and second reading, right? Well now it’s time for a third reading. On top of heightened intonation and emotion, watch your way of speaking. Do your best to articulate clearly. Make each word ring out and sizzle. Not only do we default to monotone, we often default to muttering. Project your voice. If your diaphragm is not activated, your voice will sound timid and you will probably feel that way, too. Feeling nervous can lead to short and shallow breaths, but it is also true that short and shallow breaths can lead to feeling nervous. As you learn to take control of your breathing and project more boldly, you can break the cycle. We forget how interconnected body and mind are. One more thing to pay attention to in this final read-through is speed. Don’t speed read just to get this over with. Attune yourself to the pacing that seems most appropriate for the passage. If a dramatic pause seems fitting, take it. Don’t rush or you’ll lose the plot. This is part of emotional attunement. Compare your first read-through with your third. If you leaned into the exercise, the difference was probably vast. It might have felt uncomfortable, but if your default is stiff and unexpressive, that’s worth noting. It’s also worth pondering (and being encouraged by) the fact that there is a sociable, open, emotionally attuned “you” in there that’s accessible through a bit of warming up. This all probably sounds absurd, but give it a chance. You are doing more for yourself than you realize. There are ways that we are uncomfortable not just in front of others but even in front of ourselves. By learning to read out loud and to do so exercising a wide a range of emotion, with clear, robust speech, and attention to intonation and breathing, in a word—engaging your mind and your body, you will expand your level of comfort with yourself and that will inevitably spill over into comfort with others—even others you’ve never met before.

4. The better you get at small talk, the faster you can take conversations deeper. Standing in the corner of the room at a party with arms folded because you “hate small talk” and “prefer deep conversations” is a disempowered posture. It is a lot like saying you want to be married but you can’t stand going on dates. No one wants to stay locked in small talk mode, but it is often a necessary stage in relationships. If you do not attempt small talk, you may have a hard time getting to the more rewarding levels of conversation and relationship. One thing to consider is your own level of approachability. If you treat people like  strangers, addressing them in a stiff and formal manner, they will probably return the favor. You could walk away from exchanges like that ruminating on how rude that person was and tell yourself that this is exactly why you don’t attempt small talk, or you could pause and ponder the fact that people naturally mirror what they see modeled. You could be sending signals you don’t intend to send. Plenty of people consider themselves kind and friendly, but their face and demeanor tell a different story. Beyond general disposition though, no matter how friendly we are, there is a general sequence to be observed if you want to move things to a deeper level. It begins with small talk, followed by sharing facts, followed by sharing opinions, followed by sharing feelings. Skip over stages in the conversations, and you might not get the chance to take things deeper. The goal is not to run past stages but to move from one to the next as seamlessly as possible. Divulging your deep secrets to a stranger would be off-putting. Don’t start with a cannonball at the deep end. Dip your toe in the shallow end, just to test the waters. Whatever you do, don’t stare or offer physical contact; don’t bring up anything too intense. Start with a topic that is related to what’s around you, something general and non-threatening. If you and the other person feel comfortable after the exchange, float a fact: something about yourself, your job, your pet, your hobbies—just as long as it connects to the original comment or the current context in which you and the other person find yourselves, whether that’s in a line, in a waiting room, at a bus stop or metro platform. Again, nothing too intense. It’s just partial self-disclosure at this stage. If the person doesn’t respond well to the self-disclosure, that’s fine. You can just keep it at that level. But if the other person is reciprocating with their own self-disclosure and you sense some mutual confidence building, try taking things to the next stage: sharing opinions. This is the stage where you look for common ground. Without being aggressive or invasive, ask a few questions that will help you discover those commonalities. At this stage, the similarities don’t have to be earth shattering. You might have to dig around for a bit, but once you find a topic of shared interest, it opens up a new conversational horizon. Maybe you went to the same university, studied the same subject, work in the same field, like the same sports team, enjoy the same genre or author. How deeply you delve into it is context dependent, of course. You have more time at a dinner with future in-laws than with a fellow passenger who gets off in a few stops. If there’s time and comfort enough to go deeper, and if you’ve laid a strong foundation with the previous stages, then you might venture into sharing something more emotional, maybe something you’re excited or concerned about. Remember that any emotional shares have to be sincere. There’s no intimacy without authenticity, whether that’s in business relationships, with family members, or in a romantic involvement. There’s risk and effort involved in moving conversation to this stage. The strength of each stage depends on how well you’ve laid the foundation in the previous stages. If you’ve done a good job with the initial small talk and fact sharing (and, of course, remaining attuned to the facts and thoughts the other person shares), then you and your conversation partner will feel more comfortable progressing to opinion sharing and maybe even emotion sharing. If you haven’t, though, pressing forward will feel forced and unsafe. In general, conversations and relationships progress by gradations: from small talk to facts to opinions to emotions. Accept each stage for what it is—including small talk. If we value deep conversations as much as we claim, it is in our best interest to work on small talk instead of just hating it because small talk is often the bridge to the conversations we really want.

5. Develop and update your conversational résumé to avoid awkward silences and that deer-in-the-headlights social freeze. You are an interesting person. Maybe you forget or don’t even believe it yet. But there is so much to you that would be interesting to others if you know how to show them. If those thoughts and stories and topics on the tip of your brain are also on the tip of your tongue, you will feel more comfortable in small talk scenarios and not trap yourself in the stress of wondering what to talk about. To do this, it helps to have a conversational résumé at the ready. Your conversational résumé consists of aspects of your daily life, personal facts, notable things about you, and current events. Ahead of an unfamiliar social event, ask yourself questions in each of these categories. Review your daily life. Ask yourself if you did anything interesting over the weekend, or gauge how your week is going. Has anything come up that’s out of the ordinary? What about in the life of your family or partner? How are things at work? Review your personal life, think about what your hobbies are. When you’re not working, what are your passions and interests? Where are you from originally? Anything interesting or noteworthy? What is your alma mater? What did you study and what kind of activities were you involved in? Review the things that are novel about you. Can you list five of your most interesting experiences? What would you consider some of your biggest personal milestones? Can you list 10 strengths that you possess—even if you consider them minor? What are some of the most interesting places you’ve visited in the past several years? What are 10 things you couldn’t go without (don’t overthink this one; it’s a question about your preferences—not your actual survival)? Review current events. What have been the big recent stories? Do you have your own stance on any of them? If you don’t, develop one. What are a few comic moments you witnessed or experienced this past week? Could you retell any of them in a few sentences? Having this mental list is the solution to the problem of brain-gone-blank. There’s so much in your life that is eventful and interesting—it’s just a matter of taking a moment to dig some of it out. Maybe those people you admire or even envy for their social grace and conversational ease are just better at remembering who they are and what they are about in social situations. If you run through your conversational résumé ahead of a new social situation, you will be far more likely to connect and have things to talk about. You may start to notice more than a passing resemblance to those people you considered more socially adept.