They may seem harmless,
but experts say these comments can do a lot of damage.
Despite our best
intentions, many of the pat responses and pieces of advice adults have been
giving children through the generations are either dismissive, patronizing, or
just plain critical.
“It’s a natural
reaction to make comments that you always made to your children and that your
parents made to you—they get embedded in
the family culture,” says Susan Newman, Ph.D., a
social psychologist, parenting expert, and best-selling author. “In the last 20
to 30 years, we’ve learned a lot about the fallout from negative comments on
child development.”
Here, we examine the
most damaging comments nearly all of us heard growing up.
1. Great job! (to
every little thing)
Sounds innocuous,
right? How could praise be a bad thing? According to child psychologists,
unwavering praise isn’t meaningful. “Empty praise just becomes white noise to
children,” says Dr. Newman. Kids will learn to tune you out.
What to say: Instead of
nonspecific praise, let children know that you notice and appreciate their
efforts. “If you look at a drawing a child did, ask how they did it,” she
suggests. “Say, ‘What made you use all those greens or blues?’ or ‘How did you
get that tree to look so real?’ This encourages children to think about the
process of learning and how they can improve.”
They’ll understand
that they did a good job, which is more meaningful than your saying it, she
says.
2. Stop crying/You’re
not a baby anymore
If you see your
grandkids regularly, you might lose patience if they have frequent teary
outbursts, but crying is a healthy release that shouldn’t be stifled.
“Just like sweating
is good when we’re exercising, crying is good when we feel bad,” says Barbara Greenberg, Ph.D.,
a parenting and family expert and a practicing clinical psychologist in
Fairfield County, Connecticut. “There’s a lot to be learned from it.
What to say: Instead of demanding
an end to the tears, ask them, “What are you hurt about?” or “What are you
afraid of?,” she suggests. Often, explaining the source of the tears will be
enough to stop a crying jag.
Insider tip: “If you
see tears in a little girl, it’s usually anger. But when you see tears in
little boys, it usually sadness. Girls are typically more concerned about
people-pleasing so they don’t know what to do with their anger.”
3. He pulls your hair
because he likes you
If little Chloe comes
up to you and tells you that a boy in school pulls her hair, don’t dismiss the
act as a sign of affection.
In that scenario,
“the grandparent is accepting abuse as natural—it tells a child that it’s okay
to act out, which of course it isn’t,” says Dr. Newman.
What to say: You can explain
that her classmate may indeed like her and not know how to show it
appropriately, she says. “You can say, ‘There are many better ways for your
friend to be telling you that he likes you. He might share something in his
lunch or ask you to play a game,'” she suggests.
4. You’re such a
klutz/You’re so sensitive
Any label or name you
give to children will infiltrate their subconscious and affect their opinion of
themselves. You may think being klutzy is an endearing attribute, but you could
inadvertently create a self-fulfilling prophesy, says Dr. Greenberg.
And with a comment
like “Stop being so sensitive,” you are invalidating the child’s feelings.
“Maybe the kid is reacting to something that was really negative, so being
sensitive is the appropriate response,” she says.
What to do: If see little
Sophia knock over a glass of juice or trip over her own feet, try to hold your
tongue and be understanding.
“There should be room
for kids to make errors,” she says. Reacting negatively to blunders creates a
lot of anxiety and nervous kids. “It’s an anxiety builder and will damage your
relationship.”
5. Nicknames like
“Thunder thighs” or “Chubby cheeks”
Similarly, derogatory
nicknames—even when said with affection—create a negative self-image for
children. “Just because you think it’s adorable and funny, your grandchild
probably does not,” says Dr. Newman. “It shows a lack of respect for the
child’s feelings, and can put a wedge between you and your grandchild.”
What to do: Look to your
grandchildren’s response to the nicknames you bestow on them. If they don’t
like it, you’ll know, and then it’s up to you to figure out a new term of
endearment that doesn’t bother them.
6. Because I said so
It’s only natural to
get frustrated when faced with a chorus of questions like, “Why do we have to
eat these carrots?” and “Why do we have to wear pants?”. But leaning on the old
refrain, “Because I said so,” isn’t just lazy — it also sends the message that
your grandchild doesn’t deserve a real answer.
“It leaves a kid
feeling devalued and can lead to a lot of negative feelings,” says Dr.
Greenberg. Plus, rather than keeping your grandkids in line, your response may
lead to misbehavior. “Kids will feel dismissed, so they will dismiss what you
said.”
What to say: “Kids just need a
simple explanation,” she says. If it’s a mature subject, like divorce, sex, or
fighting, do you best give an age-appropriate answer. And if a brief response
is still beyond your comfort level, you can always refer your grandkids to
their parents for a full explanation.
7. Your eyes will get
stuck like that
Other variations
include, “If you chew on your hair, you’ll choke” and “If you don’t stop, the
police will take you to jail.” Whatever the subject matter, experts say scary
threats have no place in a grandparent’s repertoire.
“Some children will
laugh it off and say, ‘Grandma or grandpa you’re being ridiculous,'” says Dr.
Newman. “Other children will internalize what you said and worry about it.
There’s enough for children to worry about without adding unnecessary fears.”
What to do: Try to let their
annoying behavior roll off your back. “Kids will be kids,” says Dr. Greenberg.
“There’s no need to make an issue of everything—they are just playing!” Dr.
Newman adds, “Your role is to be supportive and loving—you want your grandkids
to turn to you if they ever need you.”
8. You’re so
pretty/handsome
This is a tough trap
to resist, because, truly, when were more gorgeous human beings ever created?…
said every grandparent ever. Despite how much you believe in your statement,
praising a child’s looks all the time sends the wrong value message.
“You’re saying that
their outward appearance is more important than who they are inside,” says Dr.
Newman.
What to say: You can still tell
your grandkids that they look fantastic, but instead, fold your compliment into
a question. Example: If your granddaughter gets dressed up for a party, ask her
“Did you pick out that dress by yourself?” or “How did you decide to do your
hair like that? It was a good choice!”, Dr. Newman suggests. “Get them thinking
about more than just how good-looking they are.”
9. If you can’t say
anything nice, don’t say anything at all
We certainly aren’t
advocating that kids get a free pass on rudeness, but encouraging them to
swallow their opinions can be a slippery slope. “Sometimes you have to say
things that aren’t necessarily nice but aren’t mean either,” says Dr.
Greenberg.
“Typically, this
phrase is directed at females, that they should be quiet and be passive,”
setting them up for the backseat, rather than the driver’s seat, of their
lives.
What to say: If you hear them
say something unkind, use it as a springboard to teach empathy, she recommends.
“Ask them, ‘How do you think that person felt when you said that?’ and then,
‘How might you say it differently?'”
Teaching kids to be
tactful and assertive will have the double-bonus effect of making them feel
empowered, too, she says.
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