|
Key insights from
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
By
John Gray
|
|
|
What you’ll learn
For anyone struggling to sustain the magic of love in their
intimate relationships, understanding some key insights about gender
differences may prove helpful. Men and women give and receive love
differently and have different needs, so we need to change our approach
instead of trying to change the person. Friction and resentment are born in
relationships not because men and women are different, but because we have
forgotten how truly different they are.
Read on for key insights from Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.
|
|
1. Men value
success while women value connection.
Men value competency, efficiency, and achievement. They want
to be praised for their effort and they want to prove that they can be
successful. When women offer unsolicited advice or mother their male
partners, men feel emasculated. Because women value connection they
instinctively want to help men by getting involved. The best way to nurture
a man is to empower his sense of self. You can empower a man by showing him
that you trust him to solve his own problems.
Women value connection and empathic communication. If a
woman feels she is not emotionally connected with her man, she projects
that onto herself and begins to doubt her self-worth. The greatest
complaint women have about men is that they don’t “really listen” before
offering a solution. Although solutions are helpful in a practical sense,
offering them is counterproductive for building love and trust with a
woman. Women get hurt when they feel a conversation intended for emotional
expression is hijacked by a blanket solution. They want to connect by processing
and discussing what is bothering them.
Because men and women value different things, we need to
approach their needs differently. When a woman allows her man to fix his
own problems, he gets the chance to prove his masculinity to her.
Ironically, when a woman gives a man this freedom, he has more emotional
energy to offer his listening ear. When a man empathizes with his woman and
gives her freedom to express herself, she receives the validation she needs
and so he succeeds in offering her the real solution—not just the one he
would prefer.
|
|
2. When men are
stressed, they withdraw to their caves whereas women want to get more
involved.
Men cope with stress differently than women. Typically, men
don’t talk about what’s bothering them and because women do, this
difference causes confusion in relationships. Men cope with stress by going
to their “cave,” where they can be alone to solve their problems or to
distract themselves with projects, TV, the news, or games. These activities
give them non-relational challenges to face, which strengthens their sense
of masculinity. When a man goes to his cave, his partner thinks this is a
sign that he doesn’t love her enough to talk, or that he is avoiding
intimacy. The very opposite is true—a man withdraws to his “cave” in order
to solve the problem without burdening her. In a man’s mind, talking can’t
solve the problem anyway, so the most loving thing to do is deal with the
problem independently and come back with a solution. Women need to
understand that when men withdraw, it is a healthy and natural response to
the emotional intensity inherent in relationships.
Women make a grave mistake when they expect men to be in
touch with their feelings on the spot. Once a woman understands that her
man needs to process his emotions alone, she need not worry about his love
for her when he does not automatically volunteer his feelings. The more
space you give a man to process his stress, without pressuring him to share
or by nagging him, the sooner he will return from his cave and often with a
greater enthusiasm to love. In every relationship where a man feels free to
withdraw, there is a patient woman loving him well. Wise women know how to
give their man space.
|
|
3. Men are
motivated by being needed.
When a man falls in love, something truly special
happens—his motivation for a relationship transforms from that of
selfishness to selflessness. Women have a way of intuitively signaling to
men, “I need you, your power and strength can bring me great fulfillment.”
When a man feels needed he can successfully overcome his primary fear of
failure or incompetence. Before love, these fears kept him from serving
others because he wasn’t assured anyone really needed him. When love is
fresh, the prospect of being needed is central in a man’s mind, but over
time he can feel begin to feel helpless.
Men feel helpless because they don’t know how different a
woman’s needs are. Men mistakenly assume that women want them to work hard,
make more money, or be attractive. Men think if they can prove they are
strong and competent, it will be enough to fulfill their partners. What
women really need is for men to validate their emotions and to physically
comfort them. Ironically, in moments when a woman needs her man the most,
he fails to understand her true needs and volunteers information about how
much “he does” or how well “he loves” instead of simply validating how she
feels. If a man responds like this enough, his female partner will
eventually stop sending signals that she needs him. At this point, the
couples’ love may die because it’s too painful for both partners to be
starved of having their true needs met.
|
|
|
|
4. Women are
motivated by the prospect of being cared for.
When a woman falls in love, something amazing happens. For
the first time in her life she believes that someone wants to support her
and be her lifelong companion. Men do not know how important it is for a
woman to feel like there is someone who would volunteer to help and
understand her. Because men need space when they are hurting, they often
give their partners the same thing. When a woman is longing for emotional
support, giving her space hurts her. She may feel that her strong emotions
are too much for her partner to handle or that she is only loved when
happy. For a woman, having a safe space to express her feelings, even
the negative ones, is a necessary step before she can return to being her
most loving and positive self.
Women become resentful when they feel they are giving too
much and getting nothing in return. In fact, women are often characterized
as martyrs in their non-romantic relationships and this is why a man’s love
is so empowering for a woman. A man’s love invites her into a safe space
where she finally has permission to receive.
Men need to understand that asking for help is challenging
for women because they fear being too needy. Women are afraid of being
rejected or abandoned if they ask for too much. Deep down, every woman
struggles with feeling worthy to receive. In healthy relationships, men
give women the emotional freedom to ask for help and women overcome their
fear of asking for support.
|
|
5. Men interpret
language literally and women interpret language by finding “hidden
meaning.”
There may be times when you think your partner is speaking a
foreign language. It’s true—the opposite sex uses the same language very
differently. If we learn the key differences, we can safeguard ourselves
against needless miscommunications. Women express “feelings” whereas men
express “information.” When women employ superlatives, metaphors, or
generalization to express the gravity of their feelings, men become
insulted. If a woman says, “We never spend time together,” what she’s
really saying is that she feels overwhelmed and longs for more time with
her man. Men interpret this information literally as a personal attack on
their ability to love. Men want more than anything else to be seen as
successful and competent as a partner, so these miscommunications cut deep.
Once a man learns her language, he can separate himself from it and
validate her feelings for what they are.
It should be added that women need to prioritize
appreciating and encouraging their partners when they do listen. If a man
is not affirmed for listening, he might lose heart and feel like he isn’t
really doing anything.
|
|
6. A man’s
intimacy cycle consists of getting close, retreating, then getting close
again.
Unless women know that men retreat after getting close, they
will panic when a man pulls away, and in doing so they will interrupt a
natural process. For a man, pulling away is necessary and completely
healthy, even when he is very much in love. Men need to pull away to feel
their autonomy and independence once their intimacy needs are satisfied.
Basically, men alternate between intimacy and autonomy. The “pulling away”
stage is unique for each man, but generally it can be characterized by
emotional distancing, a strong desire for time alone, and a return to the
activities and friendships associated with his autonomous life before the
relationship. On average, men feel the need to pull away every 30
days.
Women often obstruct this natural cycle by chasing their man
when he pulls away or punishing him. It is valid that a woman may fear the
“pulling away” stage, but she needs to remember that he will come back.
Some women know they shouldn’t chase or punish, so they become overly
accommodating or try to be the perfect mate in a fruitless attempt to get
their partner to stop needing to pull away. When women do this, they
sacrifice their true emotions to keep the boat afloat and thus suffer
emotionally. This is a vicious cycle because when the woman suffers
emotionally, the man feels a greater need to pull away because he needs to
process his perceived failure at fulfilling his partner. Once a woman
understands a man’s intimacy cycle, it releases the pressure for her to do
anything when he needs to pull away. The responsibility on the man is to
communicate his need to pull away and assure her he will soon return.
|
|
7. A woman’s
ability to give and receive love is directly related to how she feels about
herself.
When a woman feels bad about herself, it is difficult for
her to accept and appreciate her partner. When she is rising on the wave of
her intimacy cycle, she is her most loving and true self, happy to love
unconditionally. When the wave crashes, she is vulnerable and needs more
love. Men need to know to expect this, otherwise they might make
unreasonable demands.
The first mistake men make is they assume she feels bad
because of him—they take credit for the good and the bad. When a woman hits
bottom, she does not need her man to try to help her back up or to take
responsibility for it. This only makes her feel worse and makes him feel
inadequate to support her. When a woman is down, she needs emotional
validation and empathy.
The second mistake men make is assuming that she will get
better immediately. The wave has to hit rock bottom before it can rise
again—it is just part of her cycle. If she feels the emotional support at
the bottom, her trust in her partner’s love will grow and her she will heal
from the fall. Once a man realizes that the wave must hit bottom before it
can rise again, it lowers the expectation on her to immediately feel better
or for him to see the results.
|
|
8. Ninety percent
of emotional reactions in relationships are caused not by our partner, but
by our past hurts.
The secret to keeping love alive in all seasons is to
understand the 90/10 principle. When men and women fall in love, feelings
that could not be expressed in their past invade their consciousness. All
our repressed feelings hide until we feel loved and then it is almost as if
they come out to be healed. Therefore, sudden bursts of anger, confusion,
resentment, or emotional distancing often happen, even when times are good.
This can be challenging but remember that 90 percent of your partner’s
emotional reactions are from their past and have nothing to do with you.
You get the opportunity to exercise love towards those hurts, so they can
finally heal. When a man’s past comes up, he is sensitive and needs
acceptance.
When a woman’s past comes up, she is vulnerable and her
self-esteem hits rock bottom. Sometimes, the greater the love you
experience, the deeper and more painful the feelings from your past are
when they surface. It is at this point that most people either run from
love or increase their addictions because they are too afraid to reveal
what they are feeling. Love is the greatest environment for either a man or
a woman’s past to be healed.
|
|
Endnotes
These insights are
just an introduction. If you're ready to dive deeper, pick up a copy of Men Are
from Mars, Women Are from Venus here. And since we get a commission on
every sale, your purchase will help keep this newsletter free.
Neutral news is
hard to find. The Pour Over
provides concise, politically neutral, and entertaining summaries of the
world’s biggest news paired with reminders to stay focused on eternity, and
delivers it straight to your inbox. It's free, too. Check it out.
*
This is sponsored content
|
|
No comments:
Post a Comment