Many of us are able to extend compassion toward others, yet
struggle when it comes to extending it to ourselves.
BY ANISA PURBASARI HORTON 03-05-20
Imagine
that a good friend came to you and shared their struggles. They just got the
news that one of their close family members is ill, and at the same time,
they’re working through marital issues with their spouse. They’re also
overworked in their job and can’t seem to find a moment to themselves. Today,
when they met you, they were late and forgot to bring their wallet. They
apologized profusely and started to beat themselves up, calling themselves
useless, a terrible adult. How would you respond? Chances are, it won’t be that
difficult for you to extend some compassion. After all, they are going
through a lot.
Now
imagine you’re the person going through what your friend is experiencing. Do
you think you can extend the same kind of compassion to yourself? If you’re
like most people, you’ll probably find this a lot harder.
HOW SELF-COMPASSION
DIFFERS FROM SELF-ESTEEM
Kristin
Neff is an associate professor at the University of Texas at
Austin, and considered one of the world’s leading experts in
self-compassion. She defines self-compassion as
“treating ourselves kindly when we feel inadequate . . . with kindness and
concern, like we would treat a friend.” In contrast, Neff says self-esteem “is
a judgment on self-worth. Self-esteem has some problems because when we fail or
make a mistake, we feel badly about ourselves.”
Psychologist Rami
Nijjar says that self-esteem centers on disconnecting with
others because it’s rooted in the idea that you’re better than everyone around
you. Self-compassion, on the other hand, emphasizes connection with others,
based on a shared experience of suffering and struggle that we all face.
SOCIETY HAS FOCUSED ON
SELF-ESTEEM
It sounds
like a relatively simple concept, yet for many of us, being kind to ourselves—particularly when we experience
failure—can seem downright impossible. According to Nijjar, one of
the reasons for this is because society has conditioned us to focus on
self-esteem, rather than self-compassion. “We’ve burnt ourselves out in
becoming more goal-driven and individualistic,” says Nijjar, which is what
focusing on self-esteem tends to encourage. “I think with self-esteem, we
got into a way of living where we constantly push ourselves outside of our
comfort zones.” This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, says Nijjar, but this
message can push many of us to go after things that don’t always sit well with
us.
It might
sound counterintuitive to think that self-compassion would make us stronger
emotionally, but according to Nijjar and Neff, this is exactly what research has
shown. Neff says that many people worry that self-compassion will
make them lazy and complacent, but in fact, it can actually increase
motivation. Think about the way that we motivate children, she says. “As a
culture, we thought that to get children to do well, we have to use harsh
corporal punishment. Now we know through the research that if we use
encouragement . . . they have more likelihood of
succeeding. If we threaten them, they have fear of failure and get performance
anxiety, which undermines their ability to achieve.”
Says
Nijjar, “When people connect to what’s human about them and are able to
recognize their strengths and weaknesses, they’re able to take care of their
health better, they’re able to motivate themselves more long-term.”
SELF-COMPASSION CAN BE
PAINFUL
Another
reason that many people struggle to practice self-compassion, according to
Nijjar, is that it can force you to confront memories and events that you might
find painful. “Self-compassion is all about how we relate to ourselves and how
we relate to others. When we practice self-compassion, it reminds us of the
times when we weren’t compassionate to ourselves or reminds us of when others
aren’t compassionate to us.”
This can
be especially difficult, says Nijjar, for people who grew up in households
where their parents didn’t practice compassion, either to themselves or the
people around them. “As humans, we learn about ourselves through relationships.
If we’re in families where our parents were struggling to cope, whether that’s
through mental illness, addiction, or marginalization, they can project their
fears and insecurities to those closest to them.”
According
to Nijjar, as a child, you tend to internalize the level of stress and
negativity—or positivity—that comes from those around you. “If you come from an
environment where your parents are struggling with self-compassion, you’re more
likely to have negative beliefs around your self-worth. When you start
practicing self-compassion, you can really come face to face with those aspects
of your experience,” says Nijjar.
MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT
SELF-COMPASSION
Nijjar
also believes that there are also many misconceptions that prevent people from
practicing self-compassion. In addition to the belief that being kind toward
yourself can lead to laziness, Nijjar says that there’s often a lot of shame
associated with self-care and practicing self-compassion. People often ask
themselves, “Am I being self-indulgent? Am I engaging in self-pity?”
The research says otherwise.
Because self-compassion helps us with how we internalize stress in the world,
we tend to be better equipped to deal with challenging situations, says Nijjar.
This gives us more emotional energy to have better relationships with others.
In an article for Greater Good
Magazine, Neff challenged the idea that self-compassion is a
“selfish” act. “Most people find that when they’re absorbed in
self-judgment, they actually have little bandwidth left over to think about
anything other than their inadequate, worthless selves,” she wrote. “When we
can be kind and nurturing to ourselves, however, many of our emotional needs
are met, leaving us in a better position to focus on others.”
ON PRACTICING MORE
SELF-COMPASSION
Given the
benefits that self-compassion can bring to our lives, how can we learn to
cultivate it? Nijjar believes that this is where group therapy can be helpful.
Nijjar herself runs an eight-week mindful self-compassion course, and she
encourages most of her clients to take part early on in the therapy process.
“The group is really a container, it’s a safe space, and very early in the
group we talk about how scary self-compassion is and the resistance that comes
up through practicing it.” It’s especially helpful, she says, “for those who
find it really hard to go into therapy and sit face to face with someone, where
that sense of shame is overwhelming.”
Melissa
Dahl, journalist and author of Cringeworthy: A Theory of
Awkwardness, suggested asking yourself three questions
when practicing self-compassion brings up a negative memory.
First, think about how many people have experienced what you just experienced.
Second, how would you respond if a friend was the one experiencing what you
remembered, and they came to you to talk about it? Third, how would a neutral
observer view the situation that is causing you to beat yourself up?
When you
force yourself to think about these things, you realize that you’re not the
only one who makes mistakes and encounters negative experiences. As a result,
you’re less likely to ruminate on it and attach those events to your sense of
self-worth. As Dahl previously wrote, “Maybe
the most compassionate attitude you can take toward yourself is to stop
obsessing over yourself.”
Anisa is a freelance writer and editor who
covers the intersection of work and life, personal development, money, and
entrepreneurship. Previously, she was the assistant editor for Fast Company's
Work Life section and the co-host of Secrets Of The Most Productive people
podcast.
No comments:
Post a Comment