In a couple of weeks, many of us will be
making New Years’ resolutions. Last year’s most popular resolutions included a bunch of predictable
health-related goals—diet, exercise, quitting smoking, losing weight and
drinking less alcohol—as well as saving money, getting a new job, getting a new
hobby and (surprising to me) reading more.
This optimistic annual ritual of the personal
reset button persists, even as most of us know that the vast majority of
resolution-makers will abandon their aspirations within the first 30 days.
Ultimately, only about 8% of resolutions will be kept. The rest will be a
memory with more or less shame attached to their failure. This is what happens
when an aspiration to change comes up against a commitment to keeping things
just as they are.
Wait. A commitment to the keeping things the
same? Yes. Whenever we resist change—as we so often do—it represents a
commitment to the current reality. I’ve written before about the way in which
our “hidden commitments” to self-protection can get in the way of
behavior change. For example, I may sincerely want to lose weight, but if I am
committed to never depriving myself (perhaps rooted in an assumption of
scarcity), it may be hard for me to change my diet. Or you may earnestly want
to delegate your work, but if you are committed to maintaining control (based
on a fear that if anything you are responsible for is less than perfect, bad things
will happen), your fear-driven commitment will continue to dictate your
behavior. Even if you try to delegate you may undermine your own efforts by
micromanaging.
Our hidden commitments are usually based in
fear and are geared toward keeping things the way they are (safe), even as we
may talk a good game about wanting to make a change. If this sounds like you,
you are not alone. After all, 92% of resolution makers are more committed to the
status quo than they are to change. So before you set a resolution, you might
need to take a hard look at your own level of commitment.
Becoming aware of our commitments is at the
heart of The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership:A New Paradigm for Sustainable
Success. In this 2015 book, the first commitment is to taking
“full responsibility for the circumstances of my life, and my physical,
emotional, mental and spiritual wellbeing.” To be clear, this doesn’t mean that
we can control all the circumstances of our lives. But it means that we don’t
blame others (or ourselves) or adopt a “victim consciousness” in situations
where we have agency. It means being honest with ourselves and others about
what we can and can’t control and taking radical responsibility for our part in
creating our lives. On this view, there is no room me to make excuses or blame
outside forces, like, “I wish that I had time to work out, but I am too busy
with work and family responsibilities to exercise, so I can’t.” Instead, I take
responsibility for my choice, “I have a wish to exercise more and be healthier,
but I’m not yet willing to do what it takes to make it a priority. I refuse to
say no to work or set boundaries with my family, and as a result I don’t make
time for exercise.”
Being honest with yourself is essential to
making a real commitment to change rather than a wishful resolution. Take the
example of Jorge. Once a marathon runner, Jorge had fallen into a habit of
working long hours as an in-house attorney for a startup and had stopped
running almost completely. He blamed overwork, demanding colleagues, important
deals. His first step in making a change was to take responsibility and be
honest with himself. When he said, “I’m not exercising today because it’s not a
priority,” he discovered that he didn’t like that plain truth. Facing this
truth, he acknowledged that if he wanted exercise to be a priority, he needed
to put it first. So he did. Jorge and his husband started running three
mornings a week, and Jorge would go to work a bit later those days. He found
that he was no less productive at work, his energy level was better, and
perhaps more importantly he was able to let go of the resentment he had been
feeling toward his job for “preventing” him from exercising. He stopped riding
in the passenger seat and took the wheel.
If you have tried and failed in the past, try
being honest with yourself before you make a resolution. Are you really
committed to the change, or are you committed to the status quo? Are you
willing to take responsibility? Test yourself:
1. State your aspiration. For example: “I want to get 8 hours of sleep
every night.” On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is it to you? (Don’t bother
with anything that is lower than an 8).
2. Blame others and make excuses. “I have too much work. There’s too much
to do at home. I can’t get up early. I always try and fail. Even when I try to
go to bed early, I can’t sleep.” Wallow a bit. How does it feel to be at the
mercy of all of these forces? Is it true that you are powerless?
3. Assess your willingness to change. Ask yourself, “Am I ready to take full
responsibility for what I can control?” If the answer is yes, you will need to
own your actions. “I haven’t been sleeping enough because I am not making sleep
a priority. I’m on my screen too late. I am not saying no to other activities
that interfere with sleep. I have been saying I want to change, but I have
really been committed to keeping things as they are.” How does that feel?
4. Commit to taking full responsibility. Your resolution doesn’t exist in
isolation. To be successful you will need to commit to your goal and also to
taking charge of all of the related factors that are within your control.
Review your blame list and determine which of those items you can do something
about and commit to those actions as well. What will you need to say “no” to in
order to say “yes” to your commitment? For example, in order to get 8 hours of
sleep, you might need to commit to putting your device away at a certain time.
Or to setting stricter boundaries and priorities at work.
Still committed? Then go for it! There are a
wealth of resources for how to structure a resolution and support
yourself. But first, see if you are ready to shift from wishful resolution to
commitment.
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