By Sandee LaMotte, CNN Updated 12:36 PM ET, Fri September 20, 2019
(CNN) Most of
us behave like a jerk at times. The stresses of today's fast-paced society
combined with a national epidemic of sleep deprivation can turn anyone
temporarily toxic.
That's
ok if it's not a habit, experts say. It's frequent boorish behavior that can
become contagious.
"Bad
behavior is actually more contagious than good behavior," said Robert
Sutton, author of "The A--hole Survival Guide:
How to Deal With People Who Treat You Like Dirt."
"So
if you walk into a situation where there's a bunch of disrespect, it's hard not
to catch that behavior," said Sutton, a professor of management science at
the Stanford University School of Engineering.
But
turning from Jekyll to Hyde occasionally does not make a person a bully. What
does define a person as a true bully, Sutton says, is if they regularly make
you feel "oppressed, humiliated, de-energized or belittled."
The
brutish actions that often lead to those feelings, Sutton said, include
personal insults, teasing jokes, threats, public shaming, rude interruptions,
invasion of personal space or uninvited personal contact.
Types of bullies
Preston Ni, the author of "How to Communicate Effectively and
Handle Difficult People" and a communications professor at
Foothill College outside San Francisco, has identified five types of adult
bullies who use different techniques to inflict harm.
Tangible/material
bully
These
bullies use their formal power, such as being a boss or executive at a company,
or material power, such as having legal authority or control over finances, to
intimidate others.
Power
is a dangerous thing, Sutton said. "If you're an a-hole and a winner, you
are still a loser as a human being in my book."
Verbal
bully
This
type of bully shames and insults with words, often expressing constant
criticism or using hostile teasing, Ni explained. Sometimes the language can be
sexist, racist or homophobic, and can be threatening.
Passive-aggressive
bully
It
might not sound like bullying, said Ni, but in some ways, this method is the
most cunning. This type of jerk behaves nicely on the surface, but stings
subtly.
Examples
include toxic gossip, jokes and sarcasm at their victim's expense. A passive
bully can roll their eyes, make rude facial gestures and ridicule their target
by mimicking some small action. They can also socially or professionally
isolate their prey, thus causing insecurity and anxiety.
Cyber
bully
A huge
problem today, cyberbullying can have lethal consequences for the young and
vulnerable. Even mature and emotionally stable adults can be victims of
harassing texts, emails and social media. Identity theft is another way of
cyberbullying, Ni says.
Physical
bully
This
can range from simulating violence by raising a fist as if to strike, to
throwing objects, to violent acts of physical, sexual and domestic abuse.
(Note:
This article is not addressing sexual or domestic abuse and violence. If you
are a victim please call 911, the National Domestic Violence Hotline or
the National Sexual Assault Hotline.)
How to survive an adult bully
For
many adult bullies, the journey begins in a troubled home.
"Certainly,
there's things like upbringing," Sutton said. "Perhaps they had role
models around them who treated others with disrespect and advised that to get
ahead in life you should crush others and treat them like dirt."
Research at Duke University shows
that adults who bully often have had troubled childhoods and can be victims of
abuse or bullying themselves. They also suffer the worst outcomes as adults.
They are much more likely to suffer from a serious illness or psychiatric disorder,
abuse drugs or be convicted of felonies. If they were chronically bullied, they
are likely to be more isolated, less educated and poorer.
"There's
this saying: Some people want to feel tall by cutting off the heads of
others," said Ni. "Many bullies actually don't feel very good about
themselves, and the only way for them to feel good about themselves is to put
others down."
Flip
your point of view
So,
does that mean we should feel sorry for some bullies? As long as the bullying
is not violent or threatening, you might consider it, Ni said, but not for the
sake of the bully. It can actually help you cope.
"I
think one of the smartest keys to learning how to deal with bullies, especially
if this is somebody who you interact with on a more or less regular basis, is
to consider this person's background," Ni said. "And if you know the
person came from a traumatic family environment, showing some empathy and
understanding in no way excuses the bullying behavior, but it reduces the
intimidation factor."
When
you stop thinking of the bully as a scary person, you stop reacting in a
flight-or-fight manner, Ni said, and can be wiser in devising assertive ways of
handling the situation.
Pick
your battles
Deciding
on how to react depends a lot on the frequency and severity of the bullying
behavior. If the behavior is not excessive or harmful and you only see the
bully on occasion at work, or the obnoxious relative once a year at family
reunions, then Ni suggests keeping your distance. As soon as you're done with
the task at hand, disengage and stay out of that person's line of sight.
"We're
always looking to right wrongs in every single situation," Ni said.
"But it does take time and effort to handle bullying behavior in many
cases. So, if it's not directly harmful, if it's infrequent, consider picking
your battles. Engage, then disengage."
Try
some Jedi mind tricks
Jedis used
the Force to implant suggestions in the minds of others to bend them to their
will. Sutton suggests applying those tricks to your own mind as well as that of
the bully.
For example,
if the bullying is not affecting your personal safety or livelihood, Sutton
suggests trying to see the humor in it (sort of like picturing all those people
in the audience naked to get over stage fright). Or you might try being overly
nice to the bully.
"Sometimes
you just have to rise above it and kill them with kindness," he said.
You can
also try to look the bully in the eyes while they are being a jerk.
"You
have much less empathy for human beings when you don't see their face and don't
see their eyes," Sutton said. "When you don't have eye contact with
someone, you're much more likely to be nasty, and so it turns out eye contact
can be very important."
Coping with a chronic, toxic bully
What if
you're dealing with a chronic bully and it is completely disrupting your
ability to enjoy your home or work? Then it's time to bring out the bigger
guns.
Make a
clean getaway
Sutton's
first rule of surviving a toxic bully is escape, if you can. See if you can
move your desk far away from the offender, or restrict your interactions with a
toxic neighbor or avoid that unbelievably irritating soccer mom and dad. If
that fails, try again. Can you find another soccer league? Can you move to
another role in the organization?
Document
every detail
Both Ni
and Sutton say the most important thing you can do if you find yourself in an
untenable situation with a chronic bully is to document the behavior. If this
is at work, start by checking your company's anti-harassment policies. They may
have specific guidelines on how to report the bully's behavior.
Write
down exactly what happened when you get back to your desk, including exact
quotes if possible. Were there any witnesses -- even passers-by? Write down
their names and if you are comfortable, ask them to document what they saw or
heard. Add the time, location and any circumstances that led to the behavior.
Do it every time the harassment happens and build a file.
Are
there any emails, voice messages or other evidence that can help build your
case? Collect it immediately and create a formal way to archive it until you're
ready to act. Be as professional as possible in your presentation of the
events.
But be
careful about taping the encounter with audio or video. Each state has
different laws, with some being "two-party" states -- which means you
must have the permission of both the person being recorded and the recorder.
Audiotape or videotape someone in one of those states and try to use it and you
could be facing a lawsuit.
Documentation
is effective outside of work too. Ni tells a story of a neighbor who smoked so
often in close proximity to Ni's house that the vapors entered his home. After
numerous requests to get the person to stop their behavior failed, he began
collecting bills for drape and rug cleaning and presented those to the
neighbor, and suggested that if he didn't pay he'd be contacting a lawyer.
"He
hasn't smoked near my home for three years now," Ni said.
Get a
posse
"Most
bullies, most chronic bullies, pick on more than one person," said Ni, who
coaches clients and counsels Fortune 500 companies. "When victims are
willing to band together it helps because there is strength in numbers."
Fellow
victims can help you document any abuse, share their own experiences, and
convince management or the local condo association that the bully's behavior is
real and has to stop. That puts you in a greater position of power, and when
you have that, said Ni, the bully will back off.
"Most
bullies are cowards on the inside," Ni said. "They find weaker people
to pick on because they know they can get away with it. I would say nine times
out of 10 when you confront a bully from a position of strength, they back off
right away.
"This
has been my experience a great many times," Ni said, "both in dealing
with aggressive people myself as well as helping my clients or my students deal
with bullies."
Sutton
agrees. "When people fight back alone, it doesn't work very well, but the
bigger the posse, the more power and safety they have in the situation,"
he says. "The successful efforts against everything from abusive Catholic
priests to Harvey Weinstein are good examples."
https://www.cnn.com/2019/09/20/health/adult-bully-survivor-tips-wellness/index.html
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