Whether we realize it or
not, most of us are familiar with three classic responses to fear — fight,
flight and freeze.
When our brains perceive
a threat in our environment, we automatically go into one of these stress
response modes. From an evolutionary standpoint, these responses have served us
well by allowing us to respond quickly to threats and get to safety. But for folks
who have lived through prolonged exposure to abuse or trauma (often referred to
as complex
trauma), the threat never feels like it went
away, leaving many individuals “stuck” in different stress response modes.
Think of the person who
seems to lash out in anger at the slightest provocation (fight). Or the
perpetually anxious person who avoids interpersonal conflict by immersing
herself in work or school (flight). Or the individual who constantly feels
defeated by their inability to make decisions (freeze).
These are classic
examples of fight, flight and freeze due to trauma, but did you know there’s
actually a fourth response? It’s called “fawn” and is a term coined by Pete
Walker, a C-PTSD survivor and licensed marriage and family
therapist who specializes in helping adults who were traumatized in childhood.
Before we get too deep
into the fawn trauma response, let’s make sure we have a good grasp on the
other three commonly-recognized trauma responses: fight, flight and
freeze. With the help of trauma-informed treatment specialist, Patrick
Walden, LICSW, we’ve defined each below.
As a note, most trauma
survivors tend to lean toward one stress response. It’s important to
remember no one response is “better” or “worse” than the others. If you find
yourself “stuck” in one of the stress responses, and it’s affecting your
quality of life, we encourage you to seek the help of a trauma-informed
specialist.
Fight
Survivors who tend toward
the fight response innately believe power will guarantee the security and
control they lacked in childhood.
“Fight looks like
self-preservation at all costs,” Walden told The Mighty, adding that this
trauma response can manifest in explosive outbursts of temper, aggressive
behavior, demanding perfection from others or being “unfair” in interpersonal
confrontations.
He also noted that while
we typically associate the fight response with men, women can also struggle
with anger, though in many cases they direct their anger inward at themselves
instead of toward others.
Flight
Survivors who tend toward
the flight response are usually chronically busy and perfectionistic. They may
believe “being perfect” is a surefire way to receive love and prevent
abandonment by important people in their lives.
“Flight can look like
obsessive thinking or compulsive behavior, feelings of panic or anxiety,
rushing around, being a workaholic or over-worrying, [and being] unable to sit
still or feel relaxed,” Walden said.
Freeze
Survivors who tend toward
the freeze response are often mistrustful of others and generally find comfort
in solitude. The freeze response may also refer to feeling physically or
mentally “frozen” as a result of trauma, which people may experience as
dissociation.
“Freeze looks like
spacing out or feeling unreal, isolating [yourself] from the outside world,
being a couch potato … [and having] difficulty making and acting on decisions,”
Walden said.
What Is the Fawn Response?
Fawning is perhaps best
understood as “people-pleasing.” According to Walker, who coined the term
“fawn” as it relates to trauma, people with the fawn response are so
accommodating of others’ needs that they often find themselves in
codependent relationships. On his website he
wrote:
Fawn types seek safety by
merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others. They act as if they
unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the
forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences and boundaries.
Below we’ve listed some
classic signs of fawning. These behaviors may be especially prevalent when
a survivor feels triggered or fearful:
·
People-pleasing
·
Being unable to say how you really think or feel
·
Caring for others to your own detriment
·
Always saying “yes” to requests
·
Flattering others
·
Struggling with low self-esteem
·
Avoiding conflict
·
Feeling taken advantage of
·
Being very concerned about fitting in with others
Because fawn types struggle
to take up space and
express their needs, they are more vulnerable to emotional abuse and
exploitation. In abusive circumstances (for example childhood abuse
or intimate partner violence),
abusers may suppress a survivor’s fight or flight responses by threatening
punishment, leading to the the survivor’s reliance on the fawn or freeze
response.
“When we lack the power
or ability to fight or flee, which occurs commonly with complex trauma, we will
freeze, ‘appease’ or dissociate,” Dr. Cathy Kezelman, AM, president
of Blue Knot Foundation: National Centre of Excellence for Complex Trauma, told
The Mighty. “The appease response, which is also known as ‘please’ or ‘fawn’ is
another survival response which occurs [when] survivors read danger signals and
aim to comply and minimize the confrontation in an attempt to protect
themselves.”
What It’s Like to Experience Fawning
As humans, we tend to
seek out relationships that feel comfortable and familiar. For fawn-type trauma
survivors who are used to working hard to please in relationships, this can
unfortunately mean attracting abusive relationships that feel familiar or
“deserved.”
This is something mental
health advocate Sam Dylan Finch wrote about on his blog, “Let’s Queer Things
Up“:
The more invested I was
in an emotional connection, the less likely I was to criticize that person,
vocalize when my boundaries were crossed, express unhappiness with their
behavior, or share anything that I felt might damage that relationship…
It took stepping away
from a friendship that had so thoroughly gaslit and demolished me — while
plummeting into the deep depths of anorexia — before I realized that chasing
controlling, emotionally unavailable, even abusive people was crushing my
spirit.
I sought out the most
emotionally inaccessible people, and I threw myself into the pursuit, somehow
believing that if I could secure the love and affection of the most
unattainable person, it would indisputably prove my worthiness.
If you are a trauma
survivor and can relate to his words, you’re not alone. There is no shame in
struggling with fawning. Fawning, like the other stress responses, is like
self-protective armor. It has helped many trauma survivors live through abusive
and sometimes dangerous circumstances.
As we mentioned above,
there is no stress response that is “better” or “worse” than the others, but
getting stuck in one of them can be harmful. Though fawning tends to assuage
anxiety and make you feel “safer” in the moment, it can actually silence your
voice and prevent you from healing or surrounding yourself with people that
truly care about your well-being.
How to Find Help
The good news is it’s
never too late to heal from trauma. With the help of a trauma-informed
therapist (check out this helpful tool
to find one), you can work to change your deeply ingrained
responses to fear.
“People who have
experienced complex trauma often struggle to feel safe and regulate their often
strong emotions,” Kezelman told The Mighty. “Learning to find a sense of safety
can be a slow and gradual process, but one which is absolutely achievable.”
One of the most important
parts of your healing journey will be learning to develop and assert healthy
boundaries with people in your life. (For a crash course on
boundary-setting, check out our guide here). In
times of stress and fear, instead of compromising your needs, a therapist can
teach you self-soothing and self-care strategies,
as well as grounding techniques if
you struggle with dissociation.
As you begin (or
continue) your healing journey, there are a few things we need you to
know:
You deserve to take up
space.
You are enough just as
you are.
Your thoughts, feelings,
opinions and boundaries matter.
To connect with The
Mighty’s trauma survivor community, we encourage you to post a Thought or
Question on the site with the hashtag #TraumaSurvivors. Whatever you’re facing today,
you don’t have to do it alone.
RESOURCES
If you
or a loved one is affected by domestic violence or emotional abuse and need
help, call The National
Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233
No comments:
Post a Comment