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Key insights from
Never Split the Difference: Negotiating
As If Your Life Depended On It
By
Chris Voss, Tahl Raz
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What you’ll learn
The godfather of FBI
hostage negotiation, Thomas Strenz, described his work as full of “the bad,
the mad, and the sad.” But according to former FBI lead international
kidnapping negotiator, Chris Voss, the bad, the mad, and the sad are all
over the place. Bank robbers and terrorists don’t need to be the only
people to benefit from the humanizing negotiation skills that the FBI uses
to de-escalate conflicts and make people feel safe.
Read
on for key insights from Never Split the Difference.
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1. Strategies
targeting head and heart have both been used in negotiations, but the heart
strategies have saved more lives.
In the world of hostage
negotiation, offenders are not always one-offs. There are plenty of repeat
offenders. There was one hostage situation where a jumpy new FBI negotiator
on the call was struggling to get the shake out of his voice. The fugitive
on the other end coolly cut him off, “You’re not doing a good job. You’re
supposed to be building rapport with me.”
Clearly, he was in touch
with the updated FBI protocol. Until the 1970s, the FBI would come in guns
blazing and hope for the best. That didn’t always work out well for the
hostages.
Beginning in the early
1980s, Cambridge, Massachusetts, became the epicenter for teasing out the
best approaches to negotiation. Harvard created the Harvard Negotiation
Center and the FBI was testing and developing its own best practices.
Throughout the 1980s and 1990s, the research was pointing to two brains:
the emotional brain: more primal, irrational, and unpredictable; and the
rational brain, which is more reasonable and better at problem solving. For
a long time, experts had advised handling negotiations by using the more
rational, problem-solving tack.
The FBI and law enforcement
tried that for a while, but there were several tragic hostage situations in
the early 90s that exposed a glaring disconnect between theory and
practice. How do you hold a rational conversation that moves a criminal
toward compromise when he is convinced he’s the messiah and doesn’t have to
compromise?
Veteran agents and police
officers had not found rational problem-solving to be the most useful
approach to resolving hostage situations. The most experienced officers
said they’d been in situations full of uncertainty, irrationality, and high
emotions, in which the kidnapper himself had no idea what he wanted, and
thus no ability to hold a cool-headed bargaining session.
The emotional brain is
indeed unpredictable and irrational, but this was grounds for understanding
it and harnessing its power, not for avoiding it in favor of the rational
brain. It was predictable, but far less accessible in crisis situations.
This reality created a
schism between academics and law enforcement. While the academics continued
pushing the rational, problem-solving method, folks at the FBI were getting
in touch with their feelings—and getting far better results on the ground.
They began implementing elements of counseling theory and psychotherapy in
their crisis management practices. The starting assumption for negotiation
procedure is that, at bottom, everyone is hoping to be understood—even
terrorists and drug lords and bank robbers.
In hostage negotiations,
you never split the difference. A negotiator can’t tell a terrorist, “I see
you have six hostages. Release three, and we’ll call it even.” The skilled
negotiator emotionally disarms his counterpart and dismantles the
counterpart’s plan so that the counterpart is convinced that it’s his own
idea to let the hostages go and turn himself in—all the while believing he
has a great relationship with the negotiator. It’s worked for the FBI, and
it can work for you, too. This matters not just for the FBI in high-stakes,
life-or-death scenarios, but for more pedestrian affairs as well. From
talking with customer service representatives, to bosses, spouses, and
children, life is a long series of negotiations. It’s hard to have quality
relationships or a satisfying life without learning to negotiate
well.
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2. “No” is not the
end, but the beginning of the conversation.
We’ve got it backwards with
the words “yes” and “no.” Saying “yes” makes us uncomfortable because we
don’t know what we’ve signed up for. When the other party answers with a
“yes,” he or she may actually be angry about it—feeling like that “yes” is
really conceded ground. “No” is associated with rejection, but saying the
word is actually a relief and a starting point for the negotiator.
There’s more space between
“yes” and “no” than most people would think. We think in too binary a
fashion. “Yes” is commitment; “no” is protection. Getting people to say
“yes” can create more resentment than rapport. Think of all the
telemarketers who ask you questions you’ll inevitably answer with a “yes.”
“Are you tired of x,
y, and z?” “Do you ever wish
you had more of a,
b, or c?” They get you to
concede a string of yeses, but you aren’t more inclined to purchase
whatever they’re selling. In fact, you get more anxious the more you say
yes, wondering what the catch is.
In a negotiation, make the
other side feel perfectly free to say “no” at any time. It respects their
autonomy and provides them a sense of control over the outcome of the
situation. They will be far more likely to let down their guard and
communicate more honestly. If you can make someone feel safe and protected,
it frees a person to think beyond the animal need for safety. Their
thinking becomes clearer, quicker, and a more meaningful “yes” later down
the line becomes far more likely.
Never attack. A person will
clamp down and stop communicating openly. Keeping a pleasant, positive
demeanor alone is enough to help your conversation partner become smarter.
Don’t ask, “Do you have a
few minutes?” Ask, “Is this a bad time to talk?” The other person will say,
“No, now’s fine” or, “It is, but let’s talk tomorrow at 11.” If you get a
hard “no” from someone, the next best thing to try for is a “That’s right.”
Summarize the situation as well as you understand it, even the parts that
are against your own personal best interest, and ask if you’ve encapsulated
the other person’s thoughts well. “If you get a ‘That’s right,’ you’ve
established empathy and connection. The other person is telling you, “You
get it.” It makes someone more likely to work with you in the future.
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3. Instead of
feeling someone’s pain, label it.
The FBI eventually learned
to start factoring emotions into their negotiation style. And it’s a good
thing, too! It turns out that emotions tend to flare up when hostages and
fugitives have weapons trained on them.
A major tool in the
negotiator’s kit is tactical
empathy, or weapons-grade empathy. It’s emotional intelligence
on steroids. FBI and Harvard’s Robert Mnookin have the same definitions of
empathy. Empathy is the capacity to take an inventory of the adversary’s
perspective–especially the parts we don’t like, and then describe back to
the counterpart what you’re hearing. This should be done without denying or
disagreeing, just calmly reflecting it back to the counterpart. This is
different than liking or sympathizing. With an angry spouse, boss, or
terrorist, the effect of a soothing late-night DJ voice, careful listening,
and serene repetition of what they’ve said works wonders.
An example of this in the
world of crime occurred in Harlem in 1998. There was a situation in which
three gunmen had barricaded themselves in a corner room of the 27th floor
of a Harlem apartment complex. There was no phone in the room, so for six
hours, the author, along with two other negotiators, called out to them
from the other end of the hallway. In his best late-night DJ voice, the
author would repeatedly use the labeling technique.
“It seems like you really don’t want to come out.”
“Looks like you’re worried the police are ready to kick down
the door.”
“I guess you don’t want to go back to prison.”
After six hours of this,
the three fugitives came out silently with their hands up. When asked why
they finally gave in, and so peaceably, each of them said that they didn’t
want to get shot and that the negotiator’s voice had calmed them down.
Think about that. The
negotiators didn’t bark orders, try to talk some sense into them, or raise
the stakes and uncertainty with ultimatums. The statements showed tactical
empathy. What the negotiators were using was a strategy called labeling.
It’s thinking about what the other might be experiencing and validating
that emotion by merely acknowledging it.
Using bulldog tactics on
another bulldog usually ends in tears, bloodshed, and more crisis than
resolution. An inmate is far more likely to respond violently to a guard
who is anxiously bracing for an altercation than a guard who exudes
tranquility.
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4. The person in
control of a conversation is not the talker but the listener.
The domineering personality
may not be the person who is actually controlling the conversation. Doing
most of the talking does not necessarily put you in the driver’s seat. The
person who’s talking is revealing important information about himself, his
goals. The listener, if trained well, can harness the talker’s energy.
It’s important to remember
that your goal is not to get your opponent to admit you’re right. It’s a
victory that’s not a victory. If you get aggressive, you won’t get what you
want.
Learn to ask the right
questions. Avoid questions that can be answered with a “yes.” It doesn’t
give you much information to work with or help you understand your
counterpart. It also creates an expectation that you will give something in
return. Stay the listener. Use calibrated questions that begin with “How”
or “What.” These words make your counterpart the expert. They will make the
counterpart feel like he’s calling the shots, and make questions
open-ended, which encourages full, detail-rich responses.
Some of the author’s most
frequently used questions in hostage negotiations are:
How do we move forward?
What about this is important to you?
How did we get here?
How am I supposed to do that? (This last one is actually a great
way to say “no” without saying “no.”)
Avoid “Why” questions as
much as possible. The word “Why” is always interpreted as an accusation,
and your counterpart will adopt a more defensive, rigid stance. Even asking
“What caused you to do it?” instead of “Why’d you do it?” removes the sting
and keeps the conversation going.
Avoid getting angry. If the
counterpart lashes out at you, don’t return the favor. Biologically, anger
is crippling. It sets off stress hormones and blocks your ability to see
situations clearly or respond to people effectively. It’s a temporary rush
of counterfeit confidence. Keep your cool. Don’t be afraid to let a pause
linger. Ask a calibrated question to keep the counterpart at the table.
“Have you thrown in the towel on resolving this peaceably?” or “Are you
under the impression that I’ve misled you?”
These are all tools in the
listener’s toolkit. There is a time and a place for driving a hard bargain,
but the skills described here can’t be used to strong-arm opposition.
You’re not using your own strength, but your counterpart’s. It’s negotiator
judo.
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5. Everyone’s got
a limbic system, from difficult family members to bank robbers and
terrorists.
Four hostage negotiators
walk into a bar. (This isn’t a joke.) One of them, the author, is about to
take a seat when a man threatens him.
“Don’t even think about,”
the man says.
“I’m curious,” the author
responds.
“If you take that seat,
I’ll kick your ass.”
Instead of fighting or
fleeing, the author extends his hand, “Hey, I’m Chris.” The other
negotiators take up the challenge and amicably put their arms around the
man and ask him what’s bothering him. They learn his name, that he’s a
disillusioned Vietnam vet who’s down on his luck. They’re the first people
he’d talked to instead of fought for a while.
The author and his
colleagues flipped the script. Most people would take him up on the
invitation to fight. Instead of fighting for some attention, someone
learned his name and a bit of his story. There are plenty of opportunities
where negotiation skills come in handy. When grandpa acts like a grouch at
Thanksgiving dinner, it could be masking sadness, that he feels overlooked
by his kids and grandkids. What would happen if you tried to address the
underlying emotions head on, instead of quibbling over the presenting
emotion of grumpiness? What if you labeled his sadness? What if you said
something like, “We don’t see each other that often. It seems you feel like
we don’t give you much attention. I hope you know we’re glad you’re here
and want to hear what you have to say”?
The limbic system is the
part of the brain that controls emotions. This part of the brain responds
to situations way before the rational brain. Everyone has a limbic system,
from cantankerous grandpas to terrorists. Hostage negotiators around the
world now exploit this system and run negotiations in roughly the same
manner. People act in accordance with their values. This makes their actions
driven by emotion more than rationality, so that’s where you need to meet
people in order to influence their decision-making.
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Endnotes
These insights are just an introduction. If you're ready to dive deeper, pick up a copy of Never
Split the Difference here. And since we get a commission on
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