10 ways to create the life you want after
losing someone or something important.
Posted Nov 11, 2015
Loss of any type, rather it be a divorce,
a job termination, the end of a friendship that
you held dear, or the death of a loved one can send you reeling into
unchartered territory. For some it means the loss of an identity.
You may have found pride in calling yourself a CEO, a partner, a wife and now
that this title is removed you don't know what to do. For others, loss leaves
you emotionally gutted with no sense of direction.
I was 33 when my husband died from
advanced adrenal cancer in 2007. I spent over three years interviewing widows
about their circumstances for my book "A Widow's Guide to Healing" and often the conversation
would shift to a widow telling me that she wants to start a new life for
herself and her family, but isn't sure where to begin.
This widow isn't alone in not knowing how to
begin a new life post-loss. A few months ago, I was at a dinner party and someone
asked about my book and as she began to tell me about her move, new job and
starting over, I thought she was a widow. Actually, she had divorced her
husband of 20 plus years and felt the loss was similar to a death.
Loss is very painful and even thinking about
it can cause a knot in your stomach, so that you immediately feel a lump in
your throat. And yet you do desire to shift your energy, mind and heart towards
a different direction. In other words, what can you do to begin to create
the life that you want after your devastating loss?
Here are 10 things you can do. These
items are in no particular order of importance. What is key is that you begin
somewhere and these items are here to help you create a new path for yourself.
Some of these things may not work for you, while other items you may find to be
a better fit.
1. Set a goal. Goal setting is important
because your self-esteem likely
took a major hit when your loss occurred. At some level, you thought you were
able to control things and then you found you couldn't. Setting a goal and
being able to achieve it will help you see that you still have control over
some things. Reaching the goal will hopefully help to bring back some of your
old confidence.
This goal does not have to be work related.
The goal should be small enough that it can be attainable within a reasonable
amount of time. For example, if your goal is to exercise more and you have
never gotten off the couch, setting a reasonable goal would be to exercise two
to three times a week, not running a marathon within four weeks. Do not set
yourself up for failure.
2. Seek a mentor. Look for someone that
is doing what you desire to have for yourself. It would be ideal if you could
actually talk with this person, but if you can't for some reason carefully
study what they have done to be at the level you strive to obtain. For example,
if you want to be a yoga teacher, then read the biographies and articles
about yoga teachers you admire. You will see what lifestyle habits they adapt
and begin to follow their lead. They didn't reach overnight success by taking
one teacher training class. It's likely that their lifestyle incorporates
multiple things which brought them to a certain level.
3. Become very clear about what you desire. In
a time of crisis, which is what loss is, you can feel that you need immediate
relief, which can cause you to act erratically or impulsively. If you want
stability, then a decision made on a whim may not bring the consequence that
you seek, because you are not thinking everything out. If you seek trust, you
can't get this from others if you do not trust yourself. Finding clarity after
a loss often takes time because the water is very muddy after the upheaval
created by the loss. Don't expect to know exactly what you want within days or
even weeks of your loss.
4. Observe your thoughts. Begin to
monitor this. Don't judge your thoughts, just observe. Do you find yourself
perseverating on the loss? Do you find yourself talking about some aspect of
the loss in many of your conversations? Are you engaging in critical self talk?
Our thoughts influence our actions. And many times, we are unaware of what we
are thinking until we begin to observe our thoughts. You may be in the habit of
negative self-talk and
you don't even realize that you engage in this behavior several times a day.
You can't change something that you are not aware of, so getting an accurate
picture of your thoughts is important.
5. Stop one thing. This may sound very
remedial but it can change a lot for you. Pick one bad behavior that you find
yourself doing and eliminate it. This can be very small, for example, a
widow I talked with said that after her husband died, she would eat fast food
every time she dropped her daughter off at gymnastics classes. Her daughter was
going twice a week and this meant that this widow was eating fast food twice a
week. This meal choice was devastating her blood sugar levels, which was
impacting her mood and in turn she found herself being short with her daughter.
This didn't mean that this widow never ate fast food, but making this one
change helped on multiple levels.
Ending one behavior will allow space for
something new. It will also show you that you do have control over something.
6. Engage in new conversations. Engaging
in conversations that you haven't had before doesn't always mean that you are
seeking out a complete shift in your life. If you have always loved modern art,
but have no intention of becoming an artist, then start going to modern art
exhibits. Just being around artists and this environment will bring something
positive to your day.
Also be mindful that certain friends are not
healthy. Having continuous conversations with a negative tone is not going to
spark a new flame. This doesn't mean that all of your friends are not healthy
for you. What I am trying to be clear about is that some conversations are not
a good fit for you post loss.
If you are thinking about a new career,
then start to enter those conversations as well. For example, if you want to
become a physical therapist, then begin to talk with other physical therapists.
They will naturally bring up certain topics that are relevant to their
profession that you may be unaware of if you had not spoken with them.
7. Practice gratitude. Now
this may sound like a snarky platitude that is overused but often in our sorrow
we find it difficult to find things that are good. Part of creating a new path
means changing the way we see the world, and when we view things through the
lens of gratitude, our world is richer. It is difficult to bring about
something new when you are not able to see that which is already present in
your life.
8. Be open to all that is unknown. With
any loss comes enormous fear and
this fear can cause restriction in our thoughts and behavior. Some people
literally shut down and refuse to listen to anyone. Others are not ready to
listen to different opinions or views. When you live with a restricted view, it
is like breathing with one lung, you are unable to expand your breath properly.
At some point opening yourself up is necessary
to creating a new path. This doesn't mean that you have to quit your job. What
I am referring to is that once you allow yourself to be open without seeking an
immediate answer, you will be able to see things in a different light.
9 Accept the unresolved. This is very
painful because the loss left you amputated and you may never know why it
happened. This item is not for the faint of heart and takes tremendous courage.
So, I am providing this suggestion because if you are continuously seeking
resolution to your loss you may find yourself deeply disappointed. Some losses
will never bring answers. They do not present themselves with a reason. Seeking
a reason for your loss can lead to countless tears and more loss.
10. Ask yourself this deep question. If
you can only do one thing on this list, then this is one you may want to
seriously consider. With every decision and conversation you find yourself in
post-loss, ask yourself this, "Is this going to expand my growth or
restrict it?"
Growth after post- loss is very possible, if
you properly nurture it. I will write more about this is in a forthcoming Psychology
Today piece. The bottom line is that new growth comes with fertile
environment and making healthy choices post loss promotes this.
Kristin Meekhof is the author of A Widow's Guide to Healing: Gentle Support For The First 5
Years with cover blurbs from Dr. Deepak Chopra and Maria
Shriver. She graduated from Kalamazoo College and obtained her M.S.W. from
the University of MI.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/widows-guide-healing/201511/10-things-you-can-do-create-new-life-after-any-loss?fbclid=IwAR3W4LHBUn_-CniXfz2uw8os27-Qr6M5IRkP7YDQTttw018ip_KP1qNJBkg
No comments:
Post a Comment