By Emily Guy Birken on 2 December 2019
While
it may seem like the last topic you'd want to bring up over a nice meal, dinner
parties thrown specifically to talk about death are a growing phenomenon. These
so-called "death dinners" allow people to discuss and ultimately plan
for the inevitable in a way that can be positive, life-affirming, and even a
little bit fun.
Rather
than avoid talking about a difficult subject, a death dinner can give you the
space you need to consider some tough questions with friends and loved ones.
Here's why you might want to consider hosting such a dinner, and how you can
make sure you and your guests get the most out of your evening.
Why would you want to
host a death dinner?
Family
dinner conversations about the end of life might sound uncomfortable — or
perhaps a total drag — but holding such a dinner may make a difficult topic
easier to grapple with.
According
to Michael Hebb, founder of the Death
Over Dinner movement, "The dinner table is the most forgiving place
for difficult conversations." Sharing food fosters a connection among
diners, which can empower everyone involved to open up about their fears,
hopes, and ideas.
It can
also help you and your guests understand some of the issues that you'll face as
you come to the end of your life or a loved one's life. We don't know what we
don't know, especially about a topic as hard to discuss as death. Having an
opportunity to discuss these issues openly can help illuminate the gaps in your
understanding of end-of-life planning, while simultaneously helping you to feel
close to your fellow dinner companions.
How can you introduce
such an awkward conversation?
There
are a number of ways you can plan these events to help ensure a lively and
meaningful discussion. First, you may want to prepare some icebreaker
questions.
Some
common conversation starters for such a dinner include:
·
If you had a funeral, would you want it to be fun or more
traditional?
·
What do you want to do with all your belongings?
·
Do you have a will?
·
Would you rather write your own obituary or entrust it with
someone else? Who would that be?
·
Would you want any other funeral events, such as a wake or
luncheon?
In
addition, the Death Over Dinner program also provides hosts with reading
material, a video, and a podcast to share with your dinner guests ahead of the
meal. These materials can form the basis of your conversation over dinner, and
give you an opportunity to talk about what decisions you will need to make.
You can
choose ahead of time which end-of-life topic you're most interested in
discussing at your dinner party and choose the materials that fit best. That
means you can steer your dinner party toward topics such as the environmental
impact of various burial and cremation options, how to plan ahead for the
financial impact of your death, or philosophical questions about end-of-life.
Talking about death can
help you plan ahead
A death
dinner can not only help demystify an important part of our lives, but you can
use it as an opportunity to discuss which documents and policies help people
prepare for the end of life. According to the National Institute on Aging,
here are a few that may be worth highlighting at your death dinner.
An In Case of Emergency
document
This is
a rundown of all the personal information your family or executor would need
after your death. This includes things like Social Security numbers, the
location of your will and other legal documents, logins to online accounts,
personal contacts, and the names and contact information for any professionals
who have helped create your estate plan (such as your lawyer, insurance agent,
accountant, etc).
Financial documents and
asset information
When
someone passes away, there are typically three questions that follow:
·
Where is their money?
·
What did they have of value?
·
What debt will need to be addressed?
·
Some debt can be forgiven when someone dies, and knowing the
financial history of the deceased may help ensure everything is covered. (See
also: 11 Essential Documents You
Should Keep in Your Safe)
Wills and trusts
These
documents often go much deeper than just who inherits your belongings. Consider
discussing the difference between wills and trusts, and the process in which
these wishes become legally binding.
Talking
about how to create and organize these kinds of documents can help insure you
and your guests are prepared in case of a sudden death. Adding the stress of
trying to handle post-death financial chores without these documents on top of
bereavement is a burden that you and your guests can help avoid by having a
frank conversation about their importance. (See also: Don't
Make These 5 Common Mistakes When Writing a Will)
Enjoying your death
dinner
Most
people don't relish even thinking about death, but hosting a dinner can be a
good opportunity to talk openly about the topic in a supportive setting. Having
such a conversation over dinner also removes some of the stigma and pain of
discussing death. That makes it more likely that you can have a meaningful and
life-affirming conversation about death with people you care about.
Though
it may feel odd to plan such a dinner party, having a death dinner can inspire
you and other dinner guests to start making appropriate arrangements while you
still have time to think them through. And that is an incredible gift to your
loved ones.
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