Simmering rivalries from the past can fuel problems, but frequent
communication is key
by Stacey Colino, AARP, October 28, 2019
En español |
Old resentments and rivalries often die hard, especially with sibling
relationships, and caregiving situations can resurrect these issues.
This is
especially true if one adult child is doing the lion's share of the caregiving
work, with little support from siblings, or if one person is footing the bill
for paid caregiving or medical expenses. In other instances, power struggles
can occur between older and younger siblings who think they know what's best
for Mom or Dad and want to have control of caregiving decisions.
Complicating
matters, “parents often have preferences for which child will be the primary
caregiver, which may stir up resentments with siblings,” says Barry J. Jacobs,
a clinical psychologist, health care consultant and AARP caregiving
expert.
"How
you behave with one another can affect your sibling relationships for the rest
of your lives,” he observes. “When you pull together and work together, it can
strengthen the relationship. When you don't, it can weaken the relationship.”
Here
are smart strategies that can help you navigate potential minefields with your
siblings:
1. Come up with a consensus
Schedule a
meeting with your siblings, either in person or on a conference
call, to “discuss your parent's condition, what the caregiving needs are and
what's likely to happen going forward,” Jacobs says.
Once
you are in general agreement, devise a caregiving plan that addresses who will
play each role. Someone will do the bulk of the work; others will be supporting
players or provide respite care.
At
least every quarter, reevaluate what's happening with your loved one and how
her needs are changing. Refine the plan as necessary.
2. Establish an appropriate division of labor
Consider
which sibling is best suited to which responsibilities, based on abilities,
financial resources, proximity to the care recipient, time availability and
other key factors.
Be
flexible about shifting responsibilities from one sibling to another as each
sibling's situation changes, Jacobs says.
3. Figure out how to stay in touch
Agree
to keep one another apprised of any changes in your family member's condition
or needs.
Decide
together on the best or preferred mode of communication (perhaps group texts or
email) for sharing important information between scheduled meetings, Jacobs
says. Then rely on it as issues crop up or change.
4. Ask for what you need
If you
are the primary caregiver, avoid setting yourself up to shoulder every
caregiving task or decision, as this can lead to resentment and
burnout. Become an assertive, direct communicator and spell out what
specific assistance you need — whether it's financial help or a break from
watching your older family member.
"If
you don't express what you need, you can't expect other family members to read
your mind,” says Dolores Gallagher-Thompson, a visiting professor at the Betty
Irene Moore School of Nursing at the University of California, Davis.
5. Consider outside help
If
longstanding sibling tensions and resentments get in the way of your pulling
together to provide your loved one with optimal care, seek counseling to help
all of you work through issues, Gallagher-Thompson advises.
Remember,
the care recipient suffers the most when tasks trigger intractable power
struggles and resentments among siblings, Jacobs says. If each of you can
remember that and try to work through or put aside grievances for the greater
good of helping your family member, you'll be better at getting the job done.
And by
working together, you may even improve your sibling relationship.
Stacey
Colino is an independent, award-winning writer specializing in health,
psychology and family issues. Her work has appeared in dozens of national
magazines as well as on websites and in books.
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