by
Sally Herigstad July 16, 2010
Summary
A reader wonders how to get her
84-year-old father to rein in his frivolous spending out of fear that he’ll
eventually get scammed
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Dear To Her Credit,
My dad is 84 years old and in fairly good health, except for a limp in his walk. He’s fairly active at church and has a lady friend with whom he enjoys dining out, shopping and going to church.
My dad is 84 years old and in fairly good health, except for a limp in his walk. He’s fairly active at church and has a lady friend with whom he enjoys dining out, shopping and going to church.
The problem is, my
dad is one of the worst impulse buyers I have ever seen. Looking back, this has
always been the case.
What makes it worse
is that Dad buys things in secret. And when he orders this junk, here come the
catalogs and magazines that feed into more buying. He also gets political
pamphlets and requests for religious contributions, and he usually gives a
small amount. He will even give money from his pocket to anyone who asks.
I have talked and
talked to him about these rackets out to swindle you out of every dime you
have. How can I take control and stop all these advertisements and requests for
money from coming? My brother lives in California, so I am the only child here
for him and am the more assertive one. My dad is skeptical of me but listens to
most anyone else. Please give me some advice because it will be left up to me
to handle this. I am afraid a scam is just around the corner. — Erin
Dear Erin,
Unfortunately, unless your dad starts showing signs of dementia, or you suspect he is a victim of actual fraud, you’re not going to be able to “take control” of his finances. I know it’s hard to watch him make bad decisions. But it’s his money, and legally, he can spend it any way he wishes.
Unfortunately, unless your dad starts showing signs of dementia, or you suspect he is a victim of actual fraud, you’re not going to be able to “take control” of his finances. I know it’s hard to watch him make bad decisions. But it’s his money, and legally, he can spend it any way he wishes.
That doesn’t mean you
should stand by and watch as he spends or gives away every last dime. On the
contrary — it’s time to start getting more involved as your dad gets older. If
you wait too long, he may run out of money or even get into debt, and then his
options for receiving care, should he need it, will be very limited.
Here’s what you can
do:
First, try to get
your father to an elder law attorney. That’s a lawyer who has take specialized
training in legal issues concerning the elderly. There are locator services
online from both the National Elder Law
Foundation and the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys. Let the lawyer, not
you, break the news that he is burning through his money too quickly. He may
listen to a neutral third party, especially one with credentials he respects.
Try to bite your tongue when the lawyer’s advice sounds remarkably similar to
what you’ve been telling him for years. Look at it from his viewpoint — how
easily would you take advice from your kids?
This is a good time
to confirm that your dad has an acceptable will and medical directives.
Next, make sure your
dad has signed a power of attorney form. You or your brother will need one to
pay bills and make other decisions when your dad is no longer able to. The
lawyer can help you with that, also.
The elder law
attorney should refer your father to a financial counselor who can help him create a plan to make his
money last as long as he needs it and help him budget for discretionary
spending. The counselor can suggest ways to help him control his spending by
setting up an account, for example, that is just for charity, political
contributions and all those “extras” he enjoys.
From now on, keep an
eye on your dad. It may be hard to tell when he crosses the line from being a
bit of a spendthrift and soft touch to being incapable of handling his
finances. At that point, you will need to get legal guardianship so you can
make sure he is taken care of. For help when that time comes, again, see an
elder law attorney.
Keep your brother
updated, even though he is farther away. It’s important that he understands
what’s going on and can back you up if necessary.
Little by little,
your dad is going to have to trust his children to look after his best
interests. He’s lucky to have you. Take care.
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