But don’t forget to pay attention to your children and spend
one-on-one time with them
by
Stacey Colino, AARP, October 30, 2019
En español |
Depending on their age, your children may or may not understand why you need to
spend so much time caring for your older loved one.
All
they may know is that this results in having less time with you and less of
your attention or patience. This can lead to resentment on their part and guilt on yours,
especially if you can’t make it to some of their school or sports events.
“Realize
you’re not going to be perfect and children don’t need you to be,” advises
Barry J. Jacobs, a clinical psychologist, health care consultant and AARP.org
columnist. “They need you to be loving and supportive.”
Here
are some strategies that can help minimize the effect of caregiving on your
kids:
1. Preserve the touchstones of family life
“Make
sure you have dedicated time with your children, including bedtime rituals and
mealtime rituals,” Jacobs says.
This
will enhance the closeness and connection between you and them and provide a
stabilizing influence that will counteract the times when your attention is
suddenly diverted because of your older family member’s needs.
2. Involve your kids in appropriate ways
If you
bring your children into the caregiving equation, they’ll feel included and
valued — as long as you don’t overdo it.
“Look
for who in the family can give support and relief with physical and emotional
labor,” says Nancy Schlossberg, professor emerita of counseling psychology at
the University of Maryland and author of Too Young to Be Old.
Rather than saddling young kids with hard-core caregiving tasks, allow them to
entertain an older family member with funny stories or by playing cards or
watching a movie with him or her.
With
teenagers, you could let them choose how to help out, perhaps by picking up
medicine at the drugstore or bringing the loved one a meal. When kids do chip
in, give them praise for their actions.
3. Give kids a chance to voice their feelings
Acknowledge
that they’re not getting as much of your time and attention as they used to or
that you’d like to give them, and “allow them to express their anger or
resentment,” Schlossberg says.
Keep
them in the loop about what’s going on with the caregiving situation, without
overwhelming them with details. And let kids share their unvarnished feelings.
Allowing
them to vent will dissipate some of their frustrations, and you may discover a
relatively easy solution to something that’s been bothering them — if you can
discover what the problem is.
4. Dedicate time to each child
Every
week try to spend one-on-one time with each of your kids “so you can reassure
them that they remain foremost in your mind while you’re helping Grandma or
Grandpa,” suggests Eve Markowitz Preston, a psychologist in private practice in
New York City who serves mostly older adults and often makes home visits.
By
devoting weekly time to do an art project, go shopping, play, talk or simply
hang out with each child, all of them will get the message that they are still
a priority for you, that you love them and that some semblance of normal family
life remains.
Stacey
Colino is an independent, award-winning writer specializing in health,
psychology and family issues. Her work has appeared in dozens of national
magazines as well as websites and books.
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