Spouses need to know you can carve out 'together' time, that the
strain won't last forever
by
Stacey Colino, AARP, October 29, 2019
En español |
While you're caring for an older family member, your spouse may come to feel
that your marriage is taking a backseat to the other loved one's needs.
After
all, caregiving can take time and attention away from your spouse and disrupt
your schedule as a couple or family. Sometimes the financial burden of
taking care of an older loved one can have an impact on your marriage, too.
"There
have to be adjustments made in the marriage,” says Dolores Gallagher-Thompson,
a visiting professor at the Betty Irene Moore School of Nursing at the
University of California, Davis. “It's a time of transition for the marriage.
Your spouse needs to understand that he (or she) needs to share you more — and
support your efforts."
Two of
every 5 caregivers in the United States are male, according to Breaking
Stereotypes, a 2017 report by the AARP Public Policy Institute
on male caregivers. Fifty-six percent of those caregivers were married, about
the same rate as for caregivers as a whole.
Having
a general conversation with your spouse about the situation, reassuring him or
her that these changes won't last forever, does help.
"The
goal is to get your spouse on the same page, to help him or her see why this is
necessary at this time in life,” says Nancy Schlossberg, professor emerita of
counseling psychology at the University of Maryland and author of Too
Young to Be Old.
In the
meantime, it's likely to help if you can:
1. Discuss your expectations
It's
inevitable that some shift in roles will occur, so “have an expectation
exchange where you talk about what's going to change and how you're going to
handle it,” Schlossberg says.
Whenever
possible, both of you should try to align expectations about how you'll
allocate your time, set boundaries with
the care recipient and find ways for the two of you to socialize or have couple
time. When you can't, negotiate and try to compromise.
"If
you can keep the lines of communication open, that's the most important thing,”
Schlossberg says.
2. Carve out togetherness time
"Aim
for a date night or a weekend afternoon together each week,” says Eve Markowitz
Preston, a psychologist in private practice in New York City who serves mostly
older adults and often makes home visits..
Use
that time to fully focus on each other or do something you've always enjoyed
together, whether it's playing a sport — tennis, anyone? — or going to a movie
or the theater.
If your
older loved one lives with you, finding time and privacy for intimacy with your
partner can be tough. In these instances, try enlisting another family member
or a home health aide to
take your loved one out for an afternoon or stay for a weekend so you and your
spouse can get some private time.
3. Enlist your spouse's help
With
your attention, energy and time spread thinly, it may help if your spouse could
take on more responsibilities in your home, perhaps cleaning the house, doing
the grocery shopping, preparing meals or running errands for you.
If your
spouse can't do it, consider hiring someone to help with these tasks. Either
way, this will help prevent you from feeling overwhelmed and resentful.
4. Take each other's emotional pulse regularly
Caregiving
isn't a sprint; it's often a marathon, or at least a 10K, so keep the lines of
communication with your spouse open along the way.
"Touch
base with each other on a regular basis and talk with your spouse about how he
or she is feeling about this,” Preston says. This way you may be able to make
adjustments that will ease your spouse's frustrations — perhaps by arranging
for adult day care so you can get a break or getting caregiving coverage so you
can take a trip together as a couple.
In the
meantime, your spouse will at least feel like you've heard and validated those
feelings of frustration, which can help prevent or ease tension between you.
Stacey
Colino is an independent, award-winning writer specializing in health,
psychology and family issues. Her work has appeared in dozens of national
magazines as well as websites and books.
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